Tears of Joy

Today my 6 year old daughter found her long-lost frog, a favorite stuffed animal of hers. She is still learning about feelings and emotions, and she is still young enough that she doesn't quite understand it all yet.

When she found "Froggy" she was so happy that she immediately told me about it. Then, probably half surprised at herself, she said, "I feel like crying because I found him!"

Something similar is going on inside of me. I have been SO sick for SO long... I imagine it probably seems like it would get easier, even if I got no better, because I'd eventually get "used" to it. However, that does not seem to be the case. (If anything, it probably gets harder as time goes on.) I keep thinking that I FEEL like a "healthy person", but I am trapped inside a sick body.

Since Friday night, I have been feeling more "well" than "not well". (My definition of "well" has changed dramatically since I became sick... Now I am happy with "functional", and satisfied to work for a while and then rest, just happy to be able to do some things on these "well" days.)

The strange thing that has been going on with me is that I keep looking around and thinking now it's almost like I am a person who is used to being sick, but has been dropped into a "well" body!

For days, nearly every time I turn my head I'm SURPRISED to find that I did not become as dizzy as I usually do.

Today I am tackling a big job. I can not finish it, because after working on it for close to 12 hours I am only about half-way done. I am swapping clothes out in my kids' drawers. I've been working for an hour or two, or for as long as I can before I start to get sick, then I rest. Then when I feel better (less dizzy), I get back to work on it. And I keep looking around thinking, "Ah, THIS must be what it feels like to be "well" again!"

Just glimpses of what "well" might feel like... but it makes me feel like crying. (Just like my daughter with the frog!)

Normal life is still here... I have just been to sick to "feel" it for most of the past couple of years.

Note: I am not holding my breath, or even thinking about it, in hopes that this is "it" and I am getting better. There have been an uncountable number of ups and downs since I have gotten sick. I have just recently been VERY sick again for much of a 6 week span of time. I don't understand that (bad time) or this (good time), but I am happy to have some relief where I can remember what it is like to be somewhat "normal".

God is good!