Thanksgiving, 2014

This year I have much to be thankful for. After being extremely sick for nearly 3 years, I am feeling much, much better! I am not 100% better, but the difference between where I was, and where I suddenly am now, is huge.

I did not realize how sick I was, when I was going through the illness. I think I was so focused on "survival" that I did not have the capacity to think about it... I just kept going, trying to get through one more day.

Twice I was so sick that I can't imagine that death feels any worse. The dizziness was ALWAYS there. I did not get a break from it, only the severity of it changed. I was shaky. I also had trouble sleeping, trouble thinking, trouble speaking. It was all made worse very quickly from both noise, and movement. I had to be vigilant about noticing when it was starting to get worse, because if I did not stop what I was doing to rest right then, a few moments later I might be incapacitated, left to recover in bed for hours or days from just a few moments of exposure!

One of the greatest difficulties was in how limited I was in talking to my children. Conversations had to be short and spaced out. My own voice was one of the things that hurt me the worst. I had to carefully choose each word that I spoke, because I was limited in how many words I could speak without having to stop and rest to recover from the hurt that my own voice did to me!

I had not given up hope for getting well, but after 32 months of this, day in and day out, I did start to wonder getting well would ever actually happen. Then one day this fall, I took another new medicine. This one was probably close to the 200^th thing I had tried. Within hours of starting it, I was 80% better.

I can hardly believe that I am calling myself "well" now! Really, I can hardly believe this.

Life is new, and fresh, and amazing. I can speak a GREAT DEAL more words to my children again! I can read to them! I can play with them! I can DO things with them! I can be in public and be able to tolerate it! It does not hurt me anymore to come to church. I can SING again! (I literally could not sing in church... a little, quietly, alone, but not in church with the volume of everyone else singing!) For the last 3 years, I could hardly make it through an entire church service, but now I CAN. I can cook! I can clean! I can do the dishes! (I even find I like doing the dishes now!) I can run, and yell and I am not forced to suffer, "recovering", resting quietly for hours or days from one little mistaken exposure to these things that hurt me so terribly for so long! I do not need to wear my ear plug, which I had to wear when I was around people for those 32 months! I have not needed my headset at all since getting better. It takes a lot of noise, and I can move a great deal now before getting sick and having to stop and recover.

I am thankful, beyond words, to the Lord for making me well again. This is an answer to the continuing prayers of more people that I even know!

As I was considering how to give thanks to God, publicly, for what He has done in making me well, all I could think about was the way the Lord was with me through those long years of illness. This is a bigger call for thanksgiving.

I cannot express how thankful and joyful I feel over being WELL again, after such a long, incapacitating illness, but it strikes me that God's love is better. I want to give thanks to Him for loving me throughout this long trial. Every day, He was there. Even when I was too sick to turn my head in bed, I could silently cry out to Him! When I could not clean my house because I had to spend my little bit of ability working so that I could pay the bills, He was with me, telling me it was okay, because He loved me. Hebrews 13:5 "He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." He spoke these words in His Word, and he has made them very real to my heart.

He has done marvelous things. He has redeemed my soul. He has promised life eternal. He has given Himself... He has loved me. He does all of these things, without fail. There is not a moment when we cannot trust Him. There is not a moment that He is not with us, no matter what circumstances of life He brings us. He is good. He is faithful.

Romans 8:38-39 says, "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, no angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." These have been my favorite words in the entire Bible for most of my life, and they continue to be.

I am thanking God, with joy and real, heartfelt thanks for making me well again. But I cannot thank Him for that, without thanking Him for His love and care of me through through the dark, difficult days! This is what sustained me, and His love is a far greater thing than my recovery.

Rejoicing in Persecution!

"Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you." (Matthew 5:10-12)

These are verses I have memorized. Actually, I was memorizing the whole Sermon on the Mount, and my method was to read through it every day. It takes a long time to memorize 3 chapters that way! Previously I had already memorized the beatitudes, and since I have reviewed these verses so many times, I have thought about them a lot.

They have always bothered me, because I'd think to myself that I was not rejoicing in difficulty. But I could not understand what the verses were saying... HOW was one to rejoice in persecution? Even in asking about these verses, I never quite "got" it. I continued to feel quite sure that I did not rejoice in my trials!

Then, yesterday, when I was reviewing them for the umpteenth time, it finally clicked. The answer to "HOW?" is right there in the first line! "Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Ah-HA!

Before these verses, there are a lot of "blessed are's" and then the reason. "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth... Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled... Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God..." Jesus listed 7 things before we get to the verses I've struggled with, all with a reason. The very fact that "rejoicing in persecution" is so fantastic an idea, had me distracted. I was thinking about the persecution. How could one rejoice in that? Isn't persecution an awful thing, full of pain?

The reason, which I was missing, is so important! The reason those that are persecuted should rejoice, is because theirs is the kingdom of heaven!

God gives (me) a direct connection here, between the persecution and REJOICING! Jesus said to "Rejoice and be exceeding glad!" Not because it hurts, but because "mine is the kingdom of God". It is the gospel! He has saved me, brought me into his kingdom, and this is why I should rejoice!

The persecution must come, but it comes as a result of this blessed and far more important truth, that God has loved me, and made me his own!

"For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God. For which cause we faint not; but through our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal." (II Corinthians 4:16-18)

Be encouraged, in whatever trial your are facing. It is not only persecution in which we can rejoice.  The fact that the Lord has loved us is so great, that the persecution/affliction/disappointment of this life is nothing in comparison. Rejoice, Christian, in what God HAS done. Do not look at your trial, but look at him!

"Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven!"

Asking, not Demanding

I have been going through some difficult times.

I clearly remember, when my marriage (which I held very dear) was struggling, saying the words, "I have much to thank God for. I have my health, and I have my children." Even if I lost my marriage, I was trying to keep my heart where God instructs it to be, thankful of His blessings.

Within three months of my husband leaving, I became extremely sick. I have not gotten better. I have had to learn to live in a new way, without moving my head and by escaping noise, because noise and movement make me dizzy. The precious "nose" of my 6 children, now makes me sick! Now that I am alone, without a husband, and need fellowship with other believers more than ever, to be in a public place, or a room with multiple voices, makes me so sick that I can not function well enough to even get out of there if I am not careful to leave when it starts to make it worse.

This post, however, is not about the illness. My health was one thing that I counted as a major blessing from God, and it has been taken. But the other thing I clearly remember giving thanks for were my 6 children.

Through the years, I have prayed for them, and asked for God's protection. I have asked for them to be able to stay with me, and I have asked to be able to continue homeschooling them.

32 months after my husband left, my oldest son also gave up his faith and went to live with his dad. He no longer wanted to put himself in a place where he was under the Bible in any way, so he left our home.

What agony of heart for a parent who loves her child! What agony of heart for the entire family, who misses the one who is now gone! What an extreme adjustment this circumstance is. What continual pain it has brought.

Next, I received a notification that my ex-husband had filed for primary custody of not one, but two of the children, and joint physical custody of the rest.

This is where I want to stop the story and talk about the subject of this entire blog: God's sufficient grace. I do not want to talk about the circumstances, but the heart behind them. I want to share with you some of the things that the Lord has been teaching me through these extremely painful days, especially that, no matter what, He is enough.

Here was all I hold dear, my family, my children, given over to our legal system to decide what is best for them. Here is a man fighting for them, on the other side from me. Here was a battle, and I did not know how it would turn out.

It was time to exercise faith, to trust in my God. "But I trusted in thee, O Lord: I said, Thou art my God." "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 31:14 and 47:11)

But here is what happened in my heart: I thought, "I have already lost my oldest son. The incomprehensible has already happened there, and I do not know what the Lord will do here." And then, for a fleeting moment, I though, "How can I stand it?"

The Lord has been so good to me throughout this whole trial. When I thought, "How can I stand it?" He immediately showed me that that thought is not faith. He showed me that I needed to understand that He was good whatever had already happened, and whatever might happen as a result of this custody suit. He showed me that I needed to trust Him, whether I lost my children or not.

What a hard lesson this has been (and continues to be) for me! It is one of those things where I feel like I do understand, and I am okay, and the next thing I know I am all in a tizzy again about one thing or another in relation to the whole issue.

And He reminds me again. And His reminders are good, and precious.

The thing that I keep doing in all of this, is saying to myself, "My children MUST stay with me."

And the Lord says that this is wrong.

This is a difficult point to understand or explain, but the Lord has been helping me with it. I have been in so much sin, saying, demanding of my Savior, that my children MUST stay with me. I cannot demand them. I can not argue with Almighty God! I can not say, "Give them to me!" My heart keeps crying it (a mother's heart probably always will!), but I have to be very, very careful that in crying out to the Lord, I ask it, plead it, but never demand it.

Note: There is no basis of demand here! The Lord, my Redeemer, has given me EVERYTHING. I have nothing to say, nothing to bargain with anyway, because it is all His. And I certainly can not say, "I must have this or I am done with You, Lord." (These are painful words to even type! That temptation is there; I feel it, but, oh, I love this One who has "redeemed my life from destruction" and I'd rather have Him than all the world.)

I have no demand. I have no right to demand... anything.

I can plead it, and continue to plead it, as the widow in Jesus' parable in Luke 18, but I MUST be willing to say, as Jesus said in the garden, "Nevertheless, not my will, but thine be done." I can ask on the basis of HIS goodness, His mercy, His love. But I must ask in faith, believing that His answer will be good and right.

Part of my particular struggle here is that my oldest son is already gone. That has already happened. My experience has already been deep pain... I have already long felt such pain in the past many years of my life, and I know that I can not say what the Lord will do or how He will answer.

I have to ask, believing, that He is good, and that His answers will be good, that they will be to His glory, and that this is a beautiful thing.

So, my struggle has not been one of worry, or bitterness, or hatred... my struggle these past couple of months has been a struggle with myself. The fact remains that God has loved me, He has saved me, and he works all things together for his good, for his glory. I need to believe Him, to trust Him, to rest in Him. You can pray for me, because these circumstances are ongoing, and my heart is very wicked.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'" (Psalm 91)

There is so much more I could say, especially about how beautiful the Lord has seemed to me, but I don't have the words or space to go into that right now. But I know, as much as I have ever known, that the Lord IS enough, this life is fleeting, and we have an eternal glory waiting for us! "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18) "Your life is hid with Christ in God." (Colossians 3:3) "Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory: Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls." (I Peter 1:8-9)

"I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me." (Psalm 13:6)

All Things...

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

I want to tell you something. My life is not going so well. About 9 years ago, my husband turned from the Lord. About 3 years ago he left because he no longer wanted to be married to a Christian. About 3 months after that I became very sick. It is 2 1/2 years after becoming suddenly so ill, and I am still very sick. A month ago my oldest son rejected his faith and decided to go live with his dad, because he no longer wanted to live in a Christian household.

These are only the main points of the last 9 years of my life. The first 20-some years were just about perfect, by the way! So it has been a total and complete contrast from what I have always known.

I often run across people who are looking for good in all situations. It seems that what they are looking for is a manifestation of good toward themselves.

We talk about this verse a lot. In fact, it comes up in my circles nearly every time something bad happens!

But I fear that sometimes when we think about this verse, we are taking our eyes off from the Lord, and looking for some earthly relief.

This is not what the verse promises.

God has already given us the ultimate gift: the gift of salvation! He has given us His Son. He has redeemed us with His blood! Jesus took our place!!!

All things work together for good to them that love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Do you see it? In our lives, even in the midst of untold trials, He is working out His perfect plan. And it is good, because He loves us!

If the absolute worst happens, and we loose everything in this world, even to the point of death, even this is good, because it is to God's glory! I think we forget that the "good" in this verse is defined by God. He does not exist to "make us happy". We exist for His glory! I believe that the "good" in this verse is God's good, that all things work together for good, to bring glory to Him!


I am going to be very precise, with my own life here.

I have long prayed for God to protect my children, and to allow me to be able to meet with His people. (We're talking, years and years of fervent prayer, based on Psalm 27:4 and my desire for my children to also be held securely in God's hand.) Now my life is literally "falling apart", and I seldom can make it through a church service due to the illness. My first child has left, rejecting his faith. Another child wants to leave.

But I can still trust God with my life. I can STILL SAY that "All things work together for good, to them that love God." Even if the worst did happen, and every one of my children rejected God, and I only got worse with this illness to the point of death, it is still good. It is "God's good", and it is truely good, because He has loved me, and redeemed my life from destruction. Though my body may die, yet I will live again and Christ will be exalted!!!

Tears of Joy

Today my 6 year old daughter found her long-lost frog, a favorite stuffed animal of hers. She is still learning about feelings and emotions, and she is still young enough that she doesn't quite understand it all yet.

When she found "Froggy" she was so happy that she immediately told me about it. Then, probably half surprised at herself, she said, "I feel like crying because I found him!"

Something similar is going on inside of me. I have been SO sick for SO long... I imagine it probably seems like it would get easier, even if I got no better, because I'd eventually get "used" to it. However, that does not seem to be the case. (If anything, it probably gets harder as time goes on.) I keep thinking that I FEEL like a "healthy person", but I am trapped inside a sick body.

Since Friday night, I have been feeling more "well" than "not well". (My definition of "well" has changed dramatically since I became sick... Now I am happy with "functional", and satisfied to work for a while and then rest, just happy to be able to do some things on these "well" days.)

The strange thing that has been going on with me is that I keep looking around and thinking now it's almost like I am a person who is used to being sick, but has been dropped into a "well" body!

For days, nearly every time I turn my head I'm SURPRISED to find that I did not become as dizzy as I usually do.

Today I am tackling a big job. I can not finish it, because after working on it for close to 12 hours I am only about half-way done. I am swapping clothes out in my kids' drawers. I've been working for an hour or two, or for as long as I can before I start to get sick, then I rest. Then when I feel better (less dizzy), I get back to work on it. And I keep looking around thinking, "Ah, THIS must be what it feels like to be "well" again!"

Just glimpses of what "well" might feel like... but it makes me feel like crying. (Just like my daughter with the frog!)

Normal life is still here... I have just been to sick to "feel" it for most of the past couple of years.

Note: I am not holding my breath, or even thinking about it, in hopes that this is "it" and I am getting better. There have been an uncountable number of ups and downs since I have gotten sick. I have just recently been VERY sick again for much of a 6 week span of time. I don't understand that (bad time) or this (good time), but I am happy to have some relief where I can remember what it is like to be somewhat "normal".

God is good!

God's Ways, Not Mine!

A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

The disciple is not above his master, nor the servant above his lord. It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. If they have called the master of the hose Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of his household?" (Matthew 10:24-25)

Both of these passages were a blessing to me today. I am coming out of an extremely sick period... With an illness full of ups and downs, I have been at this point countless times before. It happens to be the point when I can be the most discouraged, because I am well enough to "feel" like "me", but not well enough to actually function like "me". When I am extremely ill, I am too sick to think about anything, so it doesn't matter. When I have been better for longer, the weight of everything is not so heavy because I have had a bit of time to work at catching up on some things. This is the hardest period of time for me, emotionally.

The first passage obviously reminded me that whatever I may plan, God is still in control. My desire is to be well, but it is okay that God has other plans. (I will trust Him with this, as I continue to pray to get well!)

The second passage speaks specifically to people putting Jesus down, putting "our" side into perspective, but I think it can easily here, to how sick I have been. Jesus did not live an "easy" life on this earth, and I can not demand that either! There are a LOT of other factors to consider along with this (like trusting as Jesus trusted!), but it is extremely encouraging to think that my Savior's life was what the Father put before him, and why should I expect more? (or better!)

"For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: Who did not sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed." (I Peter 2:21-24)

Again, I can see in my great Example (Jesus Christ) how I should respond to suffereing! I should "commit myself to God"!

Can you see how encouraging this is?

At the same time, I am going to keep praying for God to heal me. That is also pleasing to Him, because He asks His people to come to Him with their petitions. (over and over again!)

Lord, I have asked to be able to "dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life," (Psalm 27:4) and I can barely stand church.

I do not understand why You continue to let me be afflicted by this. Show me Your way, teach me Your path. (Psalm 25:4-5)

Lord, I love You, better than life. (So of course I love You through sickness!) I trust You with my life, even my day-to-day life and this difficult illness. I do not "need" my way, but rather I desire Your way.

And I keep asking. Please, Lord, make me better!

Show me what to do, if I am to do anything.

Keep me faithful to You to the end.

It is YOU I love. (Not this life.)

Be glorified in me.

Amen.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaish 55:8-9)

I hope that all of these words from scripture have been encouraging to you too, in whatever trials you are going through. We can trust Him!