I am very sick. After starting treatment for lyme disease, I got sicker. (This is what usually happens.) After not getting any better as expected after 4 weeks, my Dr. took me off my medication. After a week of no improvement after that, she prescribed something to help my body detox from all of the dead lyme pirochetes in my system that are (presumably) causing me to be so sick. That medication hasn't come in yet, and I'm just waiting, about as sick as I can imagine being. (Probably sicker than I have been since this started... and I have been pretty sick!)
I can't sit up much, so for 5 weeks I've been stuck laying down, most of the time. My head keeps reeling, and I'm horribly dizzy. I can only walk very slowly (hanging on as I walk). I can't think or speak straight, and I can't keep my thoughts together.
We all have those moments where we forget what we were doing, but that is now my constant life. I am continually having to stop and remember what I was doing/saying/thinking to get through each step of every thing that I do. I completely forget what I have already done, where I have put things, if I have said something... I have literally "lost my mind" overnight.
And to clarify, it is not just an annoyance. Literally EVERY step of EVERY task, conversation, or thought is a repeating pattern of forgetting and remembering, without end, for 5 weeks straight now. (At least I can remember, with effort!)
Life is very hard like this.
This morning I was hungry and went out to the kitchen to make myself some eggs. (I'm sticking to a low-carb, no sugar diet, so finding something to eat in itself is hard. Thankfully there are always eggs. :) )
It is so hard to do something like this. And I needed to get my vitamins too... I started praying (out loud), "Lord, please help me." I wanted to get through the day, and each small step seems so monumental at this point!
Almost immediately, there was a song in my heart:
"I've got joy ev-er-last-ing,
I've got joy ev-er-last-ing,
I've got joy ev-er-lasting
In my soul..."
The Lord gave me what I needed for that moment. It wasn't physical strength. (As I proceeded to get my stuff together I started shaking so much that it interfered with my ability to get it!) But I could proceed to labor on, fighting to live this (and every) day and do what must be done, because of the hope I have in what God has promised to me. :)
This is a hard thing to comprehend. Here I am so very, very sick and (to everyone I think!) it seems like to fix the situation, the Lord should just heal me. (Or at least let me start getting better!)
I was thinking the other night, while watching a movie showing a stadium full of Jews on their way to Auswitch and seeing the obvious fear from their circumstances, "They need to trust God." I was thinking that because it was true, not because it was easy. They were scared and they didn't even know (beyond rumors) what was going to happen to them. I knew what was going to happen, and what a "hopeless" life THEIRS was to live at that moment, and yet I could see they needed to be trusting God, even though He was not going to deliver most of them from the imminent death before them.
And then, of course, the conviction hit me. I am in a very, very difficult set of circumstances right now, and what needs to be done is no different in my case than in theirs! I need to trust God, EVEN THOUGH He is not delivering me (that I can tell) from this trial yet. I need to trust God even if this trial stays with me for the rest of my life. (!)
It is funny how easy it is to see what is true in other people's lives, but not so much when it is your own experience.
But I am thankful for all of God's reminders, and for the song and message today. I am still very, very sick for a prolonged period of time, but God knows, and I DO have "joy everlasting" even though today is difficult. :)
(Thank You, Lord!)
Friday, December 7, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Lyme Disease - the struggle
It seems like most people are relived when they find out they have Lyme Disease. I was some relieved, to finally have an explanation for everything, but I have also been diagnosed with a patulous eustacian tube, which is not being treated. (yet) I don't know which symptoms come from what.
When I drive and the altitude change sets my ear popping and increases the feeling of pressure in my head, I wonder if Lyme has anything to do with that.
Tonight is probably the first night I am really discouraged, after having these 2 new diagnosis. Actually, it is probably only the 3rd or so time I've felt discouraged during this whole 9-month ordeal. (I don't get discouraged easily.)
I am nearly 2 weeks into treatment of the Lyme Disease. For the first few days I was fine. Then the next day I didn't feel quite like my usual "somewhat-sick" self. (With an earplug, noise-reduction headset when needed, and super vitamins, I was half-way coping with the lyme disease already, though it did change my life dramatically on a continuing, daily basis.) I felt a little worse this day, but not much.
The second day found me pretty much stuck on the couch, laying down.
I was glad to not be in bed, but it was scary not knowing how long this would last. It was the "herxeimer reaction" my Dr. had warned me about. The medicine was working, killing off lyme spirochette's, and this was my body's response to that. It got worse, before getting better, as usually happens.
Thankfully, what could have lasted for weeks only lasted for 3 days.
At the same time I got so dizzy, I also lost my mind. I had struggled the entire time with collecting my thoughts enough to talk, slurring my speech, swapping words around, etc, but this was different. This was like I had gone senile overnight. When the incredible dizziness lifted (so that I was just "sick" and moderately affected, not severely affected from this dreadful illness), I thought, "I can handle the mental problems, because at least I can walk again!"
But here I am, not knowing how to continue with the state my mind is in.
Do you ever have those moments where you go into another room to do something, and can't remember what it was you went out to do? Well, that is now my life, 100% of the time. It doesn't matter whether I'm talking to someone (trying to hold my thoughts together well enough to hold a conversation) or working on the computer (my job that we depend on for all of our income!)... whatever I am doing, I loose my train of thought. I have to continually stop and thinking about what it was I intended to do or say, and pick up the pieces and stumble on.
Printing labels, answering emails, making phone calls, paying bills... everything is painstaking to accomplish in the state my mind is in. Even understanding the Sunday School lesson, or participating in Bible Study or praying out loud... communicating with the cashier enough to get out of the store without appearing like a lunatic... everything I do is now VERY hard.
Today I had to put up about 120 puzzles, in order according to item number. WHOA. Talk about overload for a brain that doesn't work! Looking at the list, I KNOW (because I still feel like I am Jennifer Vick on the inside) that it is NOT a hard task. But if I had counted the number of times I had to stop, look at the same numbers/item titles over again, and re-think the simple order of what I had already gone over in my head AGAIN, it would have been painful.
If I do find myself stopped in the middle of 2 thoughts, I can't even remember where I am at to pick them up and move on.
I have learned to rely on written notes and physical reminders. When I get lost in the middle of an order, I go back to the invoice, figure out where I left off, and go from there. (repeat, repeat, repeat.)
This is why I am so discouraged tonight. Like I said, I still FEEL like I am "me", but my brain is not responding like I am used to. It is like I really have lost my mind, and it is so frustrating because there are no real answers as to what to expect. I am guaranteed nothing. I don't even know for sure that this mental inability is part of the herxeimer reaction. If it is, I can expect it to improve at least back to where it was with just slurred speech, etc within a few weeks. This is what I am hoping, but then the thought of a few weeks of this is just staggering. How can I endure it?
But, this is where God's word answers my questions.
II Corinthians 4:16-18 says:
"For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal."
The words that God used to speak to me in these verses about how awful I feel, mentally, are these words: "light affliction", "but for a moment", "temporal", and "eternal". My mental inability, even if it were to last the rest of my life, is a "light affliction" that is "but for a moment" when compared to eternity. The "eternal" treasures that God has given me in Christ Jesus is more than can compare to any "temporal" complaint.
I don't "like" what is going on, but just like in any other thing, I can not "cling" to what God has not given me today, demanding that before declaring myself content with life. God has not given me a mind that can think clearly right now, and I need to be content with what he has given me.
"So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:33) In other words, though a "sound mind" IS (by all standards) a "good thing", I can not cling to that as necessary to life. I must cling to Jesus only, all else is nothing.
When I drive and the altitude change sets my ear popping and increases the feeling of pressure in my head, I wonder if Lyme has anything to do with that.
Tonight is probably the first night I am really discouraged, after having these 2 new diagnosis. Actually, it is probably only the 3rd or so time I've felt discouraged during this whole 9-month ordeal. (I don't get discouraged easily.)
I am nearly 2 weeks into treatment of the Lyme Disease. For the first few days I was fine. Then the next day I didn't feel quite like my usual "somewhat-sick" self. (With an earplug, noise-reduction headset when needed, and super vitamins, I was half-way coping with the lyme disease already, though it did change my life dramatically on a continuing, daily basis.) I felt a little worse this day, but not much.
The second day found me pretty much stuck on the couch, laying down.
I was glad to not be in bed, but it was scary not knowing how long this would last. It was the "herxeimer reaction" my Dr. had warned me about. The medicine was working, killing off lyme spirochette's, and this was my body's response to that. It got worse, before getting better, as usually happens.
Thankfully, what could have lasted for weeks only lasted for 3 days.
At the same time I got so dizzy, I also lost my mind. I had struggled the entire time with collecting my thoughts enough to talk, slurring my speech, swapping words around, etc, but this was different. This was like I had gone senile overnight. When the incredible dizziness lifted (so that I was just "sick" and moderately affected, not severely affected from this dreadful illness), I thought, "I can handle the mental problems, because at least I can walk again!"
But here I am, not knowing how to continue with the state my mind is in.
Do you ever have those moments where you go into another room to do something, and can't remember what it was you went out to do? Well, that is now my life, 100% of the time. It doesn't matter whether I'm talking to someone (trying to hold my thoughts together well enough to hold a conversation) or working on the computer (my job that we depend on for all of our income!)... whatever I am doing, I loose my train of thought. I have to continually stop and thinking about what it was I intended to do or say, and pick up the pieces and stumble on.
Printing labels, answering emails, making phone calls, paying bills... everything is painstaking to accomplish in the state my mind is in. Even understanding the Sunday School lesson, or participating in Bible Study or praying out loud... communicating with the cashier enough to get out of the store without appearing like a lunatic... everything I do is now VERY hard.
Today I had to put up about 120 puzzles, in order according to item number. WHOA. Talk about overload for a brain that doesn't work! Looking at the list, I KNOW (because I still feel like I am Jennifer Vick on the inside) that it is NOT a hard task. But if I had counted the number of times I had to stop, look at the same numbers/item titles over again, and re-think the simple order of what I had already gone over in my head AGAIN, it would have been painful.
If I do find myself stopped in the middle of 2 thoughts, I can't even remember where I am at to pick them up and move on.
I have learned to rely on written notes and physical reminders. When I get lost in the middle of an order, I go back to the invoice, figure out where I left off, and go from there. (repeat, repeat, repeat.)
This is why I am so discouraged tonight. Like I said, I still FEEL like I am "me", but my brain is not responding like I am used to. It is like I really have lost my mind, and it is so frustrating because there are no real answers as to what to expect. I am guaranteed nothing. I don't even know for sure that this mental inability is part of the herxeimer reaction. If it is, I can expect it to improve at least back to where it was with just slurred speech, etc within a few weeks. This is what I am hoping, but then the thought of a few weeks of this is just staggering. How can I endure it?
But, this is where God's word answers my questions.
II Corinthians 4:16-18 says:
"For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal."
The words that God used to speak to me in these verses about how awful I feel, mentally, are these words: "light affliction", "but for a moment", "temporal", and "eternal". My mental inability, even if it were to last the rest of my life, is a "light affliction" that is "but for a moment" when compared to eternity. The "eternal" treasures that God has given me in Christ Jesus is more than can compare to any "temporal" complaint.
I don't "like" what is going on, but just like in any other thing, I can not "cling" to what God has not given me today, demanding that before declaring myself content with life. God has not given me a mind that can think clearly right now, and I need to be content with what he has given me.
"So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:33) In other words, though a "sound mind" IS (by all standards) a "good thing", I can not cling to that as necessary to life. I must cling to Jesus only, all else is nothing.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
The Pain of Divorce, and Jesus
While driving the other day, the song "Praise Him" was playing. I'm sure most of you are familiar with the words:
Praise him!
Praise him!
Praise him in the morning,
Praise him in the noon-time.
Praise him!
Praise him!
Praise him when the sun goes down.
Next comes "Love Him", then "Serve Him".
I've known this song since I was a child, and have sung it countless times. However, I never heard this last verse before getting this CD:
Jesus!
Jesus!
Jesus in the morning,
Jesus in the noon-time.
Jesus!
Jesus!
Jesus when the sun goes down.
These words to the last verse hit me. YES, it is supposed to be "Jesus" all day long! :) I like the way it puts it so simply. All of our life, our thoughts, our actions, what keeps our attention throughout the day, should be "Jesus"!
Let's fast-forward to today.
I am in the middle of a divorce. This is not fun. I don't like it. The fact that my husband decided he did not want to be married to me does not make it so I love him any less. So I am loosing my husband, and it is because of his choice. There is no comfort in this situation.
In the middle of some moments of pain and agony because of this, the Lord reminded me of something. I do not need God and something more. It is true that I'm loosing my husband. It is true that I have lost my health. I am busy. Life has not gone at all how I had planned it.
But these are the things I don't need. I need the Lord. (and nothing else)
So, if in this life, I find I loose things I love, the pain is still there. I think the pain is not even lessened or dulled, but I still have what I need. I need my Savior.
I don't need God and something else.
These may just be words on the screen for you, but God impressed this truth on my heart. I hope I have been able to convey at least some of the truth in this concept that "God is enough." It is such a comfort through all of these days of intense pain to know that I don't need more. I need him. What I am loosing (that hurts so much) is nothing compared to glory. (Romans 8:18)
Jesus!
Jesus!
Jesus in the morning,
Jesus in the noon-time.
Jesus!
Jesus!
Jesus when the sun goes down!
(And if you want to listen to it, I found it on you tube.
Praise him!
Praise him!
Praise him in the morning,
Praise him in the noon-time.
Praise him!
Praise him!
Praise him when the sun goes down.
Next comes "Love Him", then "Serve Him".
I've known this song since I was a child, and have sung it countless times. However, I never heard this last verse before getting this CD:
Jesus!
Jesus!
Jesus in the morning,
Jesus in the noon-time.
Jesus!
Jesus!
Jesus when the sun goes down.
These words to the last verse hit me. YES, it is supposed to be "Jesus" all day long! :) I like the way it puts it so simply. All of our life, our thoughts, our actions, what keeps our attention throughout the day, should be "Jesus"!
Let's fast-forward to today.
I am in the middle of a divorce. This is not fun. I don't like it. The fact that my husband decided he did not want to be married to me does not make it so I love him any less. So I am loosing my husband, and it is because of his choice. There is no comfort in this situation.
In the middle of some moments of pain and agony because of this, the Lord reminded me of something. I do not need God and something more. It is true that I'm loosing my husband. It is true that I have lost my health. I am busy. Life has not gone at all how I had planned it.
But these are the things I don't need. I need the Lord. (and nothing else)
So, if in this life, I find I loose things I love, the pain is still there. I think the pain is not even lessened or dulled, but I still have what I need. I need my Savior.
I don't need God and something else.
These may just be words on the screen for you, but God impressed this truth on my heart. I hope I have been able to convey at least some of the truth in this concept that "God is enough." It is such a comfort through all of these days of intense pain to know that I don't need more. I need him. What I am loosing (that hurts so much) is nothing compared to glory. (Romans 8:18)
Jesus!
Jesus!
Jesus in the morning,
Jesus in the noon-time.
Jesus!
Jesus!
Jesus when the sun goes down!
(And if you want to listen to it, I found it on you tube.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Thoughts on God Leading us through Trials...
I woke up today with something on my heart.
It has been very hard to be so sick for so long. Whatever is going on with me is a "life-stopping" illness. :( And it just goes on and on and on, without resolution. (I still don't even know what it is!)
When something is on my heart, I pray. So that is what I did this morning.
My difficulty was with the fact that God is giving me this trial. He is not laying it on me in a mean, cruel way, but He is certainly leading me down this path of long-term illness, at the same time that so much else is going on in my life! How do I reconcile this in my mind since it is so hard to be this sick? God could rescue me from this illness at any time, and yet He does not.
Part of what was so hard this morning, was that I woke up feeling well, for a brief period of time. This happens occasionally after a night's sleep, and I wake up almost forgetting I am sick. Then when I walk around the house the dizziness sets in again, and I am in the same place. :(
To "feel" well for a few brief moments in the morning before the day got going, only to know that feeling of "wellness" would quickly be gone, is so difficult. It makes me long for complete wellness. God could do that.
But then I remembered Jesus. God didn't put him through all that he endured with the purpose of doing anything mean... that idea is preposterous!!! There was an ultimate purpose and plan. Jesus knew the entire plan. (In my case, I do not, but that doesn't matter.) He did cry, "Father, if it be possible, remove this cup from me!" But at the same time His heart wanted to do what His Father asked. He also said, "Nevertheless, not my will, but Thine be done."
So I thought about the trials that this Jesus (my Savior!) endured, and the way He must have felt through them. He did not feel, as I was tempted to, that God was doing this "to" him. (!) What was it that he felt?
He knew that his Father had a plan, and he willingly walked through each trial that this brought him through. He was not looking at the trials (as I so often do) as being what was his entire life, they were just a part of God's beautiful plan.
Oh, for a heart that sees things as my Savior does! Oh, for a heart that looks at this life in light of what is eternally true!
We can trust him with our life, with our trials, with our hopes and disappointments... with everything. Let's do that today!
Lord, give us a glimpse of what it is like to look to YOU, not "ourselves" in this life.
We love you, teach us to love you more!!!
It has been very hard to be so sick for so long. Whatever is going on with me is a "life-stopping" illness. :( And it just goes on and on and on, without resolution. (I still don't even know what it is!)
When something is on my heart, I pray. So that is what I did this morning.
My difficulty was with the fact that God is giving me this trial. He is not laying it on me in a mean, cruel way, but He is certainly leading me down this path of long-term illness, at the same time that so much else is going on in my life! How do I reconcile this in my mind since it is so hard to be this sick? God could rescue me from this illness at any time, and yet He does not.
Part of what was so hard this morning, was that I woke up feeling well, for a brief period of time. This happens occasionally after a night's sleep, and I wake up almost forgetting I am sick. Then when I walk around the house the dizziness sets in again, and I am in the same place. :(
To "feel" well for a few brief moments in the morning before the day got going, only to know that feeling of "wellness" would quickly be gone, is so difficult. It makes me long for complete wellness. God could do that.
But then I remembered Jesus. God didn't put him through all that he endured with the purpose of doing anything mean... that idea is preposterous!!! There was an ultimate purpose and plan. Jesus knew the entire plan. (In my case, I do not, but that doesn't matter.) He did cry, "Father, if it be possible, remove this cup from me!" But at the same time His heart wanted to do what His Father asked. He also said, "Nevertheless, not my will, but Thine be done."
So I thought about the trials that this Jesus (my Savior!) endured, and the way He must have felt through them. He did not feel, as I was tempted to, that God was doing this "to" him. (!) What was it that he felt?
He knew that his Father had a plan, and he willingly walked through each trial that this brought him through. He was not looking at the trials (as I so often do) as being what was his entire life, they were just a part of God's beautiful plan.
Oh, for a heart that sees things as my Savior does! Oh, for a heart that looks at this life in light of what is eternally true!
We can trust him with our life, with our trials, with our hopes and disappointments... with everything. Let's do that today!
Lord, give us a glimpse of what it is like to look to YOU, not "ourselves" in this life.
We love you, teach us to love you more!!!
Monday, July 23, 2012
Failed Health, and "Freely Given All Things"
I have been "sick" with incapacitating vertigo for over 5 months now. There are some days (like the last week and a half!) that I am functional. Much of the time I am not functional.
Yesterday evening it got "bad" again. I don't know why, it just suddenly got worse. I went from only feeling it if I'd walk too fast or turn my head too much... to not being able to walk much, tolerate noise (even my own voice) or do much of anything. I couldn't even drive myself home from church last night.
And I had been hoping I was getting better. (This was the first week and a half stretch of "functionality", I think, since this dizziness first settled in! It was looking good!)
I am at a point, here, where we don't know what is causing this (there are different ideas, but nothing is confirmed) and I do not know when I will feel well again. There also is no "plan" in front of me to follow to try to "get" well. I'm just sick, and here I sit - waiting.
These are simply the facts of what is going on, and it is overwhelming. I want to be WELL. I know what it is like to be well, because I have had good health all of my life! (I went for something like 7 years without even seeing a doctor, unless it had to do with having pregnancy and child birth!) To be suddenly so sick I can not function much of the time is hard.
But I remembered something tonight. (Or, rather, God reminded me of something!) Romans 8:32 says, "He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?"
He IS, currently, right now, "freely giving me all things". I forget that in my quest for getting better, almost as if I (unknowingly) find myself with the attitude that getting well again is The Most Important Thing to me.
But here I am reminded that He has freely given me all things. I do not NEED to feel well again to have what this verse is speaking of! This verse is speaking of lasting riches, not the things of this life.
A dear friend reminded me tonight, that it does not matter (to me) if I am sick like this for the rest of my life! These words are true. What matters is Christ Jesus. End of story. The rest is just the "momentary" stuff of I Corinthians 4.
These lessons are not easy, but I am glad that the Lord continues to teach me.
********
Lord, You are, freely, giving me all things. I am not well in body, but You have given, You are giving, so much more.
Help me to know this well, in my heart of heart. Cause me to remember it, please, Lord.
Help me to love You most of all, even above health.
Forgive me, Lord. I fail repeatedly, but You are good to me. You are entirely faithful.
Yesterday evening it got "bad" again. I don't know why, it just suddenly got worse. I went from only feeling it if I'd walk too fast or turn my head too much... to not being able to walk much, tolerate noise (even my own voice) or do much of anything. I couldn't even drive myself home from church last night.
And I had been hoping I was getting better. (This was the first week and a half stretch of "functionality", I think, since this dizziness first settled in! It was looking good!)
I am at a point, here, where we don't know what is causing this (there are different ideas, but nothing is confirmed) and I do not know when I will feel well again. There also is no "plan" in front of me to follow to try to "get" well. I'm just sick, and here I sit - waiting.
These are simply the facts of what is going on, and it is overwhelming. I want to be WELL. I know what it is like to be well, because I have had good health all of my life! (I went for something like 7 years without even seeing a doctor, unless it had to do with having pregnancy and child birth!) To be suddenly so sick I can not function much of the time is hard.
But I remembered something tonight. (Or, rather, God reminded me of something!) Romans 8:32 says, "He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?"
He IS, currently, right now, "freely giving me all things". I forget that in my quest for getting better, almost as if I (unknowingly) find myself with the attitude that getting well again is The Most Important Thing to me.
But here I am reminded that He has freely given me all things. I do not NEED to feel well again to have what this verse is speaking of! This verse is speaking of lasting riches, not the things of this life.
A dear friend reminded me tonight, that it does not matter (to me) if I am sick like this for the rest of my life! These words are true. What matters is Christ Jesus. End of story. The rest is just the "momentary" stuff of I Corinthians 4.
These lessons are not easy, but I am glad that the Lord continues to teach me.
********
Lord, You are, freely, giving me all things. I am not well in body, but You have given, You are giving, so much more.
Help me to know this well, in my heart of heart. Cause me to remember it, please, Lord.
Help me to love You most of all, even above health.
Forgive me, Lord. I fail repeatedly, but You are good to me. You are entirely faithful.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Nothing to Give...
Not what my hands have done can save my guilty soul;
Not what my toiling flesh has borne can make my spirit whole.
Not what I feel or do can give me peace with God;
Not all my prayers and sighs and tears can bear my awful load.
Thy work alone, O Christ, can ease this weight of sin;
Thy blood alone, O Lamb of God, can giveme peace withint.
Thy love to me, O God, not mine, O Lord, to thee,
Can rid me of this dark unrest, and set my spirit free.
Thy grace alone, O God, to me can pardon speak;
Thy power alone, O Son of God; can give me peace within.
No other work, save thine, no other blood will do;
No Strength, save that which is divine, can bear me safely through.
I bless the Christ of God; I rest on love divine;
And with unfalt'ring lip and heart, I call this Savior mine.
His cross dispels each doubt; I bury in his tomb
each thought of unbelief and fear, each ling-ring shade of gloom.
I praise the God of grace; I trust his truth and might;
He calls me his, I call him mine, my God, my joy, my light.
'Tis he who saveth me, and freely pardon gives;
I love because he loveth me, I live because he lives.
Today I am still sick. I learned nothing about what might be wrong with me to be causing an incapacitating dizziness at my long-awaited doctor's appointment this past week. We have passed the four month mark, and I know less about what is actually happening than I thought I did before my appointment!
Since I didn't get a diagnosis from the doctor, who I thought would know what was wrong, and it doesn't seem to be getting better on its own I am not entirely sure I will ever get better.
I have been struggling, on and off, since the appointment on Wednesday. I keep having to go back to the Lord, and keep my focus on Him and what He says is true.
Today, as seems to be usual during a time of trial, there is a new angle to my struggle.
I am feeling "well" when I sit. As soon as I stand up I feel dizzy, and it gets worse and worse as I continue to stand. Because of this, I cannot "do" anything. Because I feel "well" when sitting, I keep WANTING to "do something"!
I was a very busy mother with LOTS of stuff to do all of the time when this started. I suddenly went from busy, accomplishing a lot every day, to being stuck sitting (or laying, if it is a "bad" day) on the couch!
On days like today, when I feel "well" when sitting, it drives me crazy not to be able to get up to "do" and "accomplish". And now that I am not even sure we are on track of ANYTHING, with no idea of when (if!) I will get better this is a real struggle.
I feel like a useless person to just sit around, not doing anything. Everything I try to do, except what keeps my head very still, sets the dizziness off! Even ideas I have had to "work" sitting down has not been something I could spend much time doing, because most of them require moving my head left and right. I am stuck looking (straight) at the computer or reading. Instead of being able to "do" and help other people, people have to help ME, just to get the basics done! It is crazy!
But why does this bother me?
With startling clarity, I realized today, in the middle of this struggle, that I "feel" better if I can work hard, having a feeling value, as if I could help pay God back for all of the good things He has done for me.
Whoa.
This is part of my struggle. It is certainly not all, but it was part of it that was here today.
This is a terrible way to think. What do I think "I" have to give back to God? Certainly He asks for EVERYTHING (Luke 14:33), but my flesh feels so much more comfortable having something to offer Him! Right now He has me in a place where there is NOTHING. I can do nothing... people actually have to take care of ME!
But having "nothing" is not such a bad thing. Consider the words of the song. I think that today, God wanted me to see that I can depend wholly on Him. It is "okay" that I can't "do" anything for Him. Nothing I "do", in response to the great things He has done for me, "earn" me anything anyway. He asks for everything; I have little to work with today to "give back" to Him, but that is okay. He doesn't ask for what I can't give, and what He has done is enough.
I knew it in my head, but to see it worked out in my life is valuable. I am to love the One who has given me so much, giving my "all" to Him-- but none of that "pays Him back", nor am I "earning" anything in my own strength. It is simply because I love Him, and TODAY I can "give Him" just as much (in His eyes) in giving my all as I could any other day, because that is all He asks of us.
Praise His Name!
Not what my toiling flesh has borne can make my spirit whole.
Not what I feel or do can give me peace with God;
Not all my prayers and sighs and tears can bear my awful load.
Thy work alone, O Christ, can ease this weight of sin;
Thy blood alone, O Lamb of God, can giveme peace withint.
Thy love to me, O God, not mine, O Lord, to thee,
Can rid me of this dark unrest, and set my spirit free.
Thy grace alone, O God, to me can pardon speak;
Thy power alone, O Son of God; can give me peace within.
No other work, save thine, no other blood will do;
No Strength, save that which is divine, can bear me safely through.
I bless the Christ of God; I rest on love divine;
And with unfalt'ring lip and heart, I call this Savior mine.
His cross dispels each doubt; I bury in his tomb
each thought of unbelief and fear, each ling-ring shade of gloom.
I praise the God of grace; I trust his truth and might;
He calls me his, I call him mine, my God, my joy, my light.
'Tis he who saveth me, and freely pardon gives;
I love because he loveth me, I live because he lives.
Today I am still sick. I learned nothing about what might be wrong with me to be causing an incapacitating dizziness at my long-awaited doctor's appointment this past week. We have passed the four month mark, and I know less about what is actually happening than I thought I did before my appointment!
Since I didn't get a diagnosis from the doctor, who I thought would know what was wrong, and it doesn't seem to be getting better on its own I am not entirely sure I will ever get better.
I have been struggling, on and off, since the appointment on Wednesday. I keep having to go back to the Lord, and keep my focus on Him and what He says is true.
Today, as seems to be usual during a time of trial, there is a new angle to my struggle.
I am feeling "well" when I sit. As soon as I stand up I feel dizzy, and it gets worse and worse as I continue to stand. Because of this, I cannot "do" anything. Because I feel "well" when sitting, I keep WANTING to "do something"!
I was a very busy mother with LOTS of stuff to do all of the time when this started. I suddenly went from busy, accomplishing a lot every day, to being stuck sitting (or laying, if it is a "bad" day) on the couch!
On days like today, when I feel "well" when sitting, it drives me crazy not to be able to get up to "do" and "accomplish". And now that I am not even sure we are on track of ANYTHING, with no idea of when (if!) I will get better this is a real struggle.
I feel like a useless person to just sit around, not doing anything. Everything I try to do, except what keeps my head very still, sets the dizziness off! Even ideas I have had to "work" sitting down has not been something I could spend much time doing, because most of them require moving my head left and right. I am stuck looking (straight) at the computer or reading. Instead of being able to "do" and help other people, people have to help ME, just to get the basics done! It is crazy!
But why does this bother me?
With startling clarity, I realized today, in the middle of this struggle, that I "feel" better if I can work hard, having a feeling value, as if I could help pay God back for all of the good things He has done for me.
Whoa.
This is part of my struggle. It is certainly not all, but it was part of it that was here today.
This is a terrible way to think. What do I think "I" have to give back to God? Certainly He asks for EVERYTHING (Luke 14:33), but my flesh feels so much more comfortable having something to offer Him! Right now He has me in a place where there is NOTHING. I can do nothing... people actually have to take care of ME!
But having "nothing" is not such a bad thing. Consider the words of the song. I think that today, God wanted me to see that I can depend wholly on Him. It is "okay" that I can't "do" anything for Him. Nothing I "do", in response to the great things He has done for me, "earn" me anything anyway. He asks for everything; I have little to work with today to "give back" to Him, but that is okay. He doesn't ask for what I can't give, and what He has done is enough.
I knew it in my head, but to see it worked out in my life is valuable. I am to love the One who has given me so much, giving my "all" to Him-- but none of that "pays Him back", nor am I "earning" anything in my own strength. It is simply because I love Him, and TODAY I can "give Him" just as much (in His eyes) in giving my all as I could any other day, because that is all He asks of us.
Praise His Name!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
"Crucified with Christ..."
In my Bible memory review today, I came to Galatians 2:20:
"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me."
It was like this verse HIT me... hard!
I was laying in bed, sick... when I tried to get up for the day I ended up back in bed, not well enough to continue getting ready! This, of course, is after a 16-week illness, the last 5 days being more difficult than most.
And there it was, right in front of me. I am crucified with Christ. It doesn't matter that I am so sick that I can't get out of bed. Christ lives in me! My life, which seems to consist of one giant illness right now, is the Lord's! He has given me new life. And this life that I now live, though I find myself in undesirable circumstances, is His. I am to, simply, live what I have by faith in the Son of God. It doesn't matter that I don't have "what I want". I have what He has given me... Look at exactly what He has given: HIMSELF! He loved me, and gave Himself for me.
Wow. Did I mention it was like this verse HIT me?
What am I tempted to complain about? The Son of God loves me, and gave Himself for me.
Thoughts of what was "bad" 10 minutes ago fled away, as I realized this was my verse today. The Lord had given it to me as His truth to my heart, on this difficult day. And I found, again, that the "difficulty" just doesn't compare to Him!
Lord, teach me these truths, over and over again! Thank you for opportunity to learn (and feel) what it is like to understand this today, in this circumstance. Teach me the same for tomorrow! Thank You for loving me, and giving Yourself for me. There are no words. You have been good to me. Teach me, truly, that I am crucified with Christ, and this life is no longer mine, but Yours. Amen.
"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me."
It was like this verse HIT me... hard!
I was laying in bed, sick... when I tried to get up for the day I ended up back in bed, not well enough to continue getting ready! This, of course, is after a 16-week illness, the last 5 days being more difficult than most.
And there it was, right in front of me. I am crucified with Christ. It doesn't matter that I am so sick that I can't get out of bed. Christ lives in me! My life, which seems to consist of one giant illness right now, is the Lord's! He has given me new life. And this life that I now live, though I find myself in undesirable circumstances, is His. I am to, simply, live what I have by faith in the Son of God. It doesn't matter that I don't have "what I want". I have what He has given me... Look at exactly what He has given: HIMSELF! He loved me, and gave Himself for me.
Wow. Did I mention it was like this verse HIT me?
What am I tempted to complain about? The Son of God loves me, and gave Himself for me.
Thoughts of what was "bad" 10 minutes ago fled away, as I realized this was my verse today. The Lord had given it to me as His truth to my heart, on this difficult day. And I found, again, that the "difficulty" just doesn't compare to Him!
Lord, teach me these truths, over and over again! Thank you for opportunity to learn (and feel) what it is like to understand this today, in this circumstance. Teach me the same for tomorrow! Thank You for loving me, and giving Yourself for me. There are no words. You have been good to me. Teach me, truly, that I am crucified with Christ, and this life is no longer mine, but Yours. Amen.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Sin and Failure
I have been wanting to write a post like this for a while. Here is a good opportunity.
I have been so sick with this dizziness and related problems this week that I have not been able to keep up with what needed to be done. It has been a really hard week.
The bills have been waiting to be paid since Monday. On Saturday night, I was finally able to sit down and start working on the first one.
Guess what happened?
My son spilled a 2 liter bottle of soda all over where the bills, important papers, checks to us, my kindle, my phone, were... covering the table, and spilling off onto the dining room floor!
As everything important from the last 2 1/2 weeks was swimming in a sticky mess of soda and what was going on was registering in my brain as I started in horror, I plucked out my phone and kindle. My mom snatched up half of the pile of bills. Then we both came back for more.
This is the type of mess that takes 2 or 3 hours to clean up properly, what with laying out each paper, mopping up the stickiness, and everything else!
And after trying all week to get to the bills... finally working on the FIRST ONE only to be set back like that... well, I knew I was probably not going to be up to accomplishing anything now.
Here is the part that I hate. I got angry. My son (he can rest in anonymity, since I have so many of them) said, "It exploded!" No, actually, he knocked the bottle over, straight onto my piles of bills and important papers. And when he said that, I thought he was being defensive. Afterwards, I wonder if he was just as shocked as the rest of us were.
I want people to realize I am a real person with the same struggles as everyone else. I write about how God is working and teaching me, and He uses times like this, where I fail miserably, to teach me too.
I didn't actually "yell", but I spoke very firmly, in anger, and more than once. I did it all over again a few minutes later out in the kitchen, thinking, "If I would just STOP I could straighten this out in my heart and walk honorably before the Lord," WHILE I CONTINUED TO DO IT!
That is the part I hate. I hate it because it hurt my son, and it hurt my Lord. It was a sin against both.
Then I had to start sorting the whole thing out. It was so wrapped up, for me, in the fact that I can't accomplish what I need to right now, that I think I'm still sorting it out. But I was wrong to get angry. It was an accident, and, actually, my children need my help to learn how to process their own dismay at situations like that. And I was not helping him.
I had tough work in apologizing to him, because he was convinced, at the point I started apologizing, that it was all his fault, and I SHOULD be that upset. I had to explain, then explain again with scripture, why it was wrong for me to be angry before he could understand.
"Let not the sun go down upon your wrath."
"If any man hate his brother without a cause, he shall be in danger of the council. If any man say to his brother 'Raca' (I suppose that was a bad name of some sort?) he shall be in danger of the council. But if any man say 'Thou fool' he shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if thou bringest thy gift to the alter, and there rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee, leave there thy gift before the alter, and go thy way. First go, and be reconciled to thy brother, then come and offer thy gift."
There were more, but I can't remember them now. Maybe if I remember them later I will come back and add him.
I had to share with my son what God was convicting my heart with. What a humbling thing!
That is pretty much the whole story. My mom and I talked about it on and off for quite a while, because it was a crazy thing. (And of course every bill from the last 2 1/2 weeks was stretched out all over the living room floor to remind us!) I have to live with the fact that I failed, before so many people...
But that does not bother me. The fact is, I am a person who fails, but I have a Savior who has paid for my sin, and that is where my hope lies. What a blessed thought! It is also what drives out every thought of covering my sin, or justifying myself to my family, as I could have done. We are living before our Savior, who loves us. Let us live in love to Him, even when we have failed.
The best thing is to go right back to Him after such failures. It is about HIM and HIS WORK, not "us" and our "failings". Praise His Name!!!
I have been so sick with this dizziness and related problems this week that I have not been able to keep up with what needed to be done. It has been a really hard week.
The bills have been waiting to be paid since Monday. On Saturday night, I was finally able to sit down and start working on the first one.
Guess what happened?
My son spilled a 2 liter bottle of soda all over where the bills, important papers, checks to us, my kindle, my phone, were... covering the table, and spilling off onto the dining room floor!
As everything important from the last 2 1/2 weeks was swimming in a sticky mess of soda and what was going on was registering in my brain as I started in horror, I plucked out my phone and kindle. My mom snatched up half of the pile of bills. Then we both came back for more.
This is the type of mess that takes 2 or 3 hours to clean up properly, what with laying out each paper, mopping up the stickiness, and everything else!
And after trying all week to get to the bills... finally working on the FIRST ONE only to be set back like that... well, I knew I was probably not going to be up to accomplishing anything now.
Here is the part that I hate. I got angry. My son (he can rest in anonymity, since I have so many of them) said, "It exploded!" No, actually, he knocked the bottle over, straight onto my piles of bills and important papers. And when he said that, I thought he was being defensive. Afterwards, I wonder if he was just as shocked as the rest of us were.
I want people to realize I am a real person with the same struggles as everyone else. I write about how God is working and teaching me, and He uses times like this, where I fail miserably, to teach me too.
I didn't actually "yell", but I spoke very firmly, in anger, and more than once. I did it all over again a few minutes later out in the kitchen, thinking, "If I would just STOP I could straighten this out in my heart and walk honorably before the Lord," WHILE I CONTINUED TO DO IT!
That is the part I hate. I hate it because it hurt my son, and it hurt my Lord. It was a sin against both.
Then I had to start sorting the whole thing out. It was so wrapped up, for me, in the fact that I can't accomplish what I need to right now, that I think I'm still sorting it out. But I was wrong to get angry. It was an accident, and, actually, my children need my help to learn how to process their own dismay at situations like that. And I was not helping him.
I had tough work in apologizing to him, because he was convinced, at the point I started apologizing, that it was all his fault, and I SHOULD be that upset. I had to explain, then explain again with scripture, why it was wrong for me to be angry before he could understand.
"Let not the sun go down upon your wrath."
"If any man hate his brother without a cause, he shall be in danger of the council. If any man say to his brother 'Raca' (I suppose that was a bad name of some sort?) he shall be in danger of the council. But if any man say 'Thou fool' he shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if thou bringest thy gift to the alter, and there rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee, leave there thy gift before the alter, and go thy way. First go, and be reconciled to thy brother, then come and offer thy gift."
There were more, but I can't remember them now. Maybe if I remember them later I will come back and add him.
I had to share with my son what God was convicting my heart with. What a humbling thing!
That is pretty much the whole story. My mom and I talked about it on and off for quite a while, because it was a crazy thing. (And of course every bill from the last 2 1/2 weeks was stretched out all over the living room floor to remind us!) I have to live with the fact that I failed, before so many people...
But that does not bother me. The fact is, I am a person who fails, but I have a Savior who has paid for my sin, and that is where my hope lies. What a blessed thought! It is also what drives out every thought of covering my sin, or justifying myself to my family, as I could have done. We are living before our Savior, who loves us. Let us live in love to Him, even when we have failed.
The best thing is to go right back to Him after such failures. It is about HIM and HIS WORK, not "us" and our "failings". Praise His Name!!!
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Sick, and it's Beyond my Control - A Right Response
It has been a rough road for me for the past several years, but "health" was never one of my troubles.
13 weeks ago I suddenly lost my "good health". Dizziness settled in which never lifted.
Now, I have felt dizzy before, but never like this. This is a thing that has left me incapacitated. I can no longer function in any normal way. I have had to clear my schedule of all but Dr's appointments, and I am usually not able to leave the house. On "good" days I can stand for 5-15 minutes before the dizziness starts to spiral out of control.. On "bad" days I did not feel up to even sitting. (And of course laying is also uncomfortable, but there's no better choice!) Noise, especially my own voice, makes it get worse.
It's a crazy thing, and very debilitating.
My big goal is to make it downstairs to the couch, so I can sit there to watch the kids and teach school.
There have been "ups" and "downs" this whole time. Last week I started feeling better. Though the dizziness was still there, I could stand for more like an HOUR before having to "recover". I could tolerate noises better. Even little noises make me dizzy, so this was a HUGE relief. I did not have to constantly ask the kids to be quieter.
I kept waiting, day by day, for it to get "bad" again, but after a whole week I started to think that maybe my brain had learned to "compensate". That is something that can happen when the inner ear is injured, so it seemed like a very happy (VERY HAPPY) possibility! If that was the case, it would explain why I was suddenly "almost functional". And the best part was, if my brain had "compensated", it seemed there was little chance it would get "bad" again.
But something terrible has happened. I suddenly got very sick with this again, nearly as sick as I've ever been. I'm back in bed, unable to sit, since yesterday afternoon. (17 hours and counting.) This is the hard part about being so sick. When hope is there that the worst of it is over, and then – WHAM – it is nearly as bad as it has ever been.
This is what I want to talk about today.
God does not see things the way our natural hearts are inclined to look at them. Who has the right perspective?
Obviously, I am very sad to find myself confined to bed again. But I dare not even let my mind wander into the line of thoughts where it would "like" to indulge itself. I know, without doubt, that my Heavenly Father has, even this, in His very capable hands! He LOVES me so much that He gave his Son to die for me... what do I have to say to that? Does momentary physical discomfort compare to what He has already done for me? (no)
Because He loves me so much, I want to think and act in ways that are right before Him. I can not fall into the trap of thinking this is unfair, or that God could have done differently, because that is not what He has done.
Now, on to a right response. As I just mentioned, the right response is born of a knowledge of what God has done for me with the desire to "love Him" as He has loved me. It's that simple. All of my questioning and doubting His plan would NOT be love... and I do not want to act or think that way toward the One who has loved me so much.
So, how do I respond, as I lay here, not only unable to go downstairs, but having to be careful of how much I move my head? (After the hopes of a week of feeling almost normal have been dashed to pieces...)
Well, I can see only one way to respond, and I hope that this is from God's Spirit living in me, not of any thoughts of "self" or of trying to manipulate God to do my will... I hope sincerely that it is desire toward Him, and His work in me that lends these things to my thought as the only right responses for me today:
I can continue to THANK Him for what He has done.
I can ASK Him (without setting up the clause of an "only acceptable answer") to let me get back to the point where I was before this suddenly hit.
I can ask others to pray with me.
And through all of this I can trust Him, because He holds, even this, in His hands. There is NOTHING that escapes Him, and though my heart tends to point out instances like this that just "can't" be right, I know, without doubt, that EVEN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES, God holds in His hands. That is what I need to keep reminding myself.
That is what I am doing today. I have a lot of responsibilities that I can not meet, some of which are very important, but God knows that. I am sad to be separated from my family, but God knows that. I caught a glimpse of the beautiful world outside while I was doing better last week, and I so long to be "out there" seeing it still, but God knows of that too. I can trust Him with all of these things, and that place of trusting Him is the place I desire to be. (Because He loves me so well, I can say nothing else.)
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance, incorruptable and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation, ready to be revealed in the last day." (I Peter 1:3-5, punctuation mine because it would be hard to look up the verses to copy right now...)
Please do pray with me that I get better! This is a right response! But let"s trust Him in His answer.
Thank you.
13 weeks ago I suddenly lost my "good health". Dizziness settled in which never lifted.
Now, I have felt dizzy before, but never like this. This is a thing that has left me incapacitated. I can no longer function in any normal way. I have had to clear my schedule of all but Dr's appointments, and I am usually not able to leave the house. On "good" days I can stand for 5-15 minutes before the dizziness starts to spiral out of control.. On "bad" days I did not feel up to even sitting. (And of course laying is also uncomfortable, but there's no better choice!) Noise, especially my own voice, makes it get worse.
It's a crazy thing, and very debilitating.
My big goal is to make it downstairs to the couch, so I can sit there to watch the kids and teach school.
There have been "ups" and "downs" this whole time. Last week I started feeling better. Though the dizziness was still there, I could stand for more like an HOUR before having to "recover". I could tolerate noises better. Even little noises make me dizzy, so this was a HUGE relief. I did not have to constantly ask the kids to be quieter.
I kept waiting, day by day, for it to get "bad" again, but after a whole week I started to think that maybe my brain had learned to "compensate". That is something that can happen when the inner ear is injured, so it seemed like a very happy (VERY HAPPY) possibility! If that was the case, it would explain why I was suddenly "almost functional". And the best part was, if my brain had "compensated", it seemed there was little chance it would get "bad" again.
But something terrible has happened. I suddenly got very sick with this again, nearly as sick as I've ever been. I'm back in bed, unable to sit, since yesterday afternoon. (17 hours and counting.) This is the hard part about being so sick. When hope is there that the worst of it is over, and then – WHAM – it is nearly as bad as it has ever been.
This is what I want to talk about today.
God does not see things the way our natural hearts are inclined to look at them. Who has the right perspective?
Obviously, I am very sad to find myself confined to bed again. But I dare not even let my mind wander into the line of thoughts where it would "like" to indulge itself. I know, without doubt, that my Heavenly Father has, even this, in His very capable hands! He LOVES me so much that He gave his Son to die for me... what do I have to say to that? Does momentary physical discomfort compare to what He has already done for me? (no)
Because He loves me so much, I want to think and act in ways that are right before Him. I can not fall into the trap of thinking this is unfair, or that God could have done differently, because that is not what He has done.
Now, on to a right response. As I just mentioned, the right response is born of a knowledge of what God has done for me with the desire to "love Him" as He has loved me. It's that simple. All of my questioning and doubting His plan would NOT be love... and I do not want to act or think that way toward the One who has loved me so much.
So, how do I respond, as I lay here, not only unable to go downstairs, but having to be careful of how much I move my head? (After the hopes of a week of feeling almost normal have been dashed to pieces...)
Well, I can see only one way to respond, and I hope that this is from God's Spirit living in me, not of any thoughts of "self" or of trying to manipulate God to do my will... I hope sincerely that it is desire toward Him, and His work in me that lends these things to my thought as the only right responses for me today:
I can continue to THANK Him for what He has done.
I can ASK Him (without setting up the clause of an "only acceptable answer") to let me get back to the point where I was before this suddenly hit.
I can ask others to pray with me.
And through all of this I can trust Him, because He holds, even this, in His hands. There is NOTHING that escapes Him, and though my heart tends to point out instances like this that just "can't" be right, I know, without doubt, that EVEN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES, God holds in His hands. That is what I need to keep reminding myself.
That is what I am doing today. I have a lot of responsibilities that I can not meet, some of which are very important, but God knows that. I am sad to be separated from my family, but God knows that. I caught a glimpse of the beautiful world outside while I was doing better last week, and I so long to be "out there" seeing it still, but God knows of that too. I can trust Him with all of these things, and that place of trusting Him is the place I desire to be. (Because He loves me so well, I can say nothing else.)
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance, incorruptable and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation, ready to be revealed in the last day." (I Peter 1:3-5, punctuation mine because it would be hard to look up the verses to copy right now...)
Please do pray with me that I get better! This is a right response! But let"s trust Him in His answer.
Thank you.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The Choice in Suffering, I Peter 4
"Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy."
(I Peter 4:12-13)
I have thought on these verses often. It is a great encouragement to me to hear that, yes, it is "okay" to go through suffering. The fact that suffering is in my life does not mean something is wrong. (That is a thought trap I often fall into it... I end up feeling that if it hurts, there must be something I am missing that would fix it.)
That is not what I want to focus on tonight though. These verses caught my attention in a whole new way today.
We often let ourselves go down the wrong "thought-track". A correct way of thinking, which means looking at our situation in the way that God sees it, is essential to living our life for Him. Period. Every other pattern of thought ends up coming back to "self" in one way or another, be it ever so subtle.
Today was a hard day. I have been suffering with vertigo for 5 1/2 weeks now. It is not the type of vertigo that comes and goes. It is continuous. No dizzy spells, just one, long, solid dizzy feeling.
Today was hard because I am trying to get better, but it is not happening. Basic daily tasks have become difficult. Today was harder than most. Most days I can shower and I am okay. Today it did me in for the entire day. I couldn't take a step comfortably. I felt pretty awful.
The temptation, or thought-trap, for me in all of this, is to say, "I need to get better. I need to be able to take care of myself and my family again. God needs to see this need and help me!" (And, indeed, I do pray for God to help me get better, every day, and I am not better. Today I even wonder if it has gotten worse!)
Then the Lord brings such beautiful verses to me. "Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you..." I am not to look at it that way! God says not to, but to rejoice!
I always stop at the "rejoice" part. Rejoice, Lord? Really? About what, and HOW?
But, today, I see.
"But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy."
I see that it is not about today. It is not about my vertigo, or any other sufferings that may come to me in life. It is about what Christ has done.
Whether we are facing suffering or not, we have a choice. We can look at what Christ has done, and know He is enough, or we can look at ourselves. When I am in the middle of a very difficult day, "life" is not about that difficulty. The God of all the earth has chosen me, and made me His child. If, in his care of me, He brings me through a path of suffering, would I change anything even if I could? The honest answer is, no. What could I change? As a loving Father, this is what He has brought me to. It is so lovely to be His child, that (even though I may face suffering), would I really leave this place? To leave would be to reject His plan, to say no to the One who loves me so much that He gave His Son to die and purchase my redemption!
We have to look at this world in light of what God defines as truth. The simple fact is, He has called me His own dear child, and in doing so, he has also called me to this life. Would I really say "no" to that, if I could? If I were, I would be saying "no" to Him!
I would much rather be remembering that the path my Savior walked on this earth was also one of suffering. And, as the promise in verse 13 proclaims, there is the bright hope of exceedingly joy at His return!
Now I understand the "rejoice", just a little bit better. :)
Lord, teach me more.
(I Peter 4:12-13)
I have thought on these verses often. It is a great encouragement to me to hear that, yes, it is "okay" to go through suffering. The fact that suffering is in my life does not mean something is wrong. (That is a thought trap I often fall into it... I end up feeling that if it hurts, there must be something I am missing that would fix it.)
That is not what I want to focus on tonight though. These verses caught my attention in a whole new way today.
We often let ourselves go down the wrong "thought-track". A correct way of thinking, which means looking at our situation in the way that God sees it, is essential to living our life for Him. Period. Every other pattern of thought ends up coming back to "self" in one way or another, be it ever so subtle.
Today was a hard day. I have been suffering with vertigo for 5 1/2 weeks now. It is not the type of vertigo that comes and goes. It is continuous. No dizzy spells, just one, long, solid dizzy feeling.
Today was hard because I am trying to get better, but it is not happening. Basic daily tasks have become difficult. Today was harder than most. Most days I can shower and I am okay. Today it did me in for the entire day. I couldn't take a step comfortably. I felt pretty awful.
The temptation, or thought-trap, for me in all of this, is to say, "I need to get better. I need to be able to take care of myself and my family again. God needs to see this need and help me!" (And, indeed, I do pray for God to help me get better, every day, and I am not better. Today I even wonder if it has gotten worse!)
Then the Lord brings such beautiful verses to me. "Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you..." I am not to look at it that way! God says not to, but to rejoice!
I always stop at the "rejoice" part. Rejoice, Lord? Really? About what, and HOW?
But, today, I see.
"But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy."
I see that it is not about today. It is not about my vertigo, or any other sufferings that may come to me in life. It is about what Christ has done.
Whether we are facing suffering or not, we have a choice. We can look at what Christ has done, and know He is enough, or we can look at ourselves. When I am in the middle of a very difficult day, "life" is not about that difficulty. The God of all the earth has chosen me, and made me His child. If, in his care of me, He brings me through a path of suffering, would I change anything even if I could? The honest answer is, no. What could I change? As a loving Father, this is what He has brought me to. It is so lovely to be His child, that (even though I may face suffering), would I really leave this place? To leave would be to reject His plan, to say no to the One who loves me so much that He gave His Son to die and purchase my redemption!
We have to look at this world in light of what God defines as truth. The simple fact is, He has called me His own dear child, and in doing so, he has also called me to this life. Would I really say "no" to that, if I could? If I were, I would be saying "no" to Him!
I would much rather be remembering that the path my Savior walked on this earth was also one of suffering. And, as the promise in verse 13 proclaims, there is the bright hope of exceedingly joy at His return!
Now I understand the "rejoice", just a little bit better. :)
Lord, teach me more.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
John 15:2 - Pruning
The words in John 15:1-11 have been special to me for a long time. The page they are on in my Bible is a "well-worn" page. They are the type of words that jump out at me nearly every time I read them.
Verse 2 has been especially important to me, through recent trials. "Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit."
He purgeth it.
What does that look like? It certainly would not "feel" pleasant! But it is for the good of that branch, and it is to the glory of God. (See verse 8.)
Another striking thing about this verse is the "alternative". The first part of the verse is almost shocking. Every branch that doesn't bear fruit the Father is going to take away? I don't know what "take away" means, but it is clear to see that the "alternative" to being cared for and loved by the Father (v. 10), though it includes this "pruning", is to be taken away!
Whatever the "taken away" means, I sure see the value of living safe under the Father's care! This "pruning" looks good, compared to the alternitave! (And there was no other option listed here.)
Now, the other thing about this verse, is that God has been pointing to it, whispering to me that this is MY life. It may "seem" hard to have all of these struggles in life, on every side, but He is "purging" me through them.
Ah, this is a good thing.
In recent years, I have had a long-standing "trial". In the last couple of years, things have gotten a lot harder. In recent months, it has escalated even more! I have been learning so much through all of these things. (I could call it "all of this 'pruning'"!)
Fast forward to the last week. A new sort of "trial" has fallen across my path. I am sick.
Does God's Word, and all of the truths from it that I have been learning so well in my other trials apply to something like this?
Usually a very healthy person, my body has been overtaken by something called "vertigo". Having 6 children to care for is somewhat incompatible with this. I can't function well. I spent 2 days barely able to sit. Moving around the house is a challenge. I usually have to lay down and "recover" after 15 minutes of standing, or after 2 lessons of homeschooling. Normal activity is absolutely out of the question!
I found myself getting discouraged a few days in to this, because of not being able to "function" and "accomplish" what I felt "needed" to get done.
Does God's Word still apply?
Am I still "okay" because of Christ, even when I'm stuck in bed for more hours than I am used to? Can it be possible for life to go on when I can't even get through each day of school?
I have found that the answer is YES. It is all still okay, even though life as I knew it, once again, has ground to a hault. The reason lies partly in this second verse of John chapter 15. "Every branch that beareth fruit he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit." I don't need to know the reasons, and I don't need to see the outcome in this. God is working in me, and He has good reasons for bringing me down this path of sickness. It has been 9 days and the vertigo has not lifted. I may be sick for 4 weeks (or more!) But that is okay. He knows. He is "pruning" me.
Verse 8 is all the more exciting, in light of all of this: "Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples."
Though I am weak and sick, I would rather "abide in Him" (v. 4) than be any other place.
Use me, Lord, as you wish, and be glorified! "Prune" away. Thank you for Your care and love.
Verse 2 has been especially important to me, through recent trials. "Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit."
He purgeth it.
What does that look like? It certainly would not "feel" pleasant! But it is for the good of that branch, and it is to the glory of God. (See verse 8.)
Another striking thing about this verse is the "alternative". The first part of the verse is almost shocking. Every branch that doesn't bear fruit the Father is going to take away? I don't know what "take away" means, but it is clear to see that the "alternative" to being cared for and loved by the Father (v. 10), though it includes this "pruning", is to be taken away!
Whatever the "taken away" means, I sure see the value of living safe under the Father's care! This "pruning" looks good, compared to the alternitave! (And there was no other option listed here.)
Now, the other thing about this verse, is that God has been pointing to it, whispering to me that this is MY life. It may "seem" hard to have all of these struggles in life, on every side, but He is "purging" me through them.
Ah, this is a good thing.
In recent years, I have had a long-standing "trial". In the last couple of years, things have gotten a lot harder. In recent months, it has escalated even more! I have been learning so much through all of these things. (I could call it "all of this 'pruning'"!)
Fast forward to the last week. A new sort of "trial" has fallen across my path. I am sick.
Does God's Word, and all of the truths from it that I have been learning so well in my other trials apply to something like this?
Usually a very healthy person, my body has been overtaken by something called "vertigo". Having 6 children to care for is somewhat incompatible with this. I can't function well. I spent 2 days barely able to sit. Moving around the house is a challenge. I usually have to lay down and "recover" after 15 minutes of standing, or after 2 lessons of homeschooling. Normal activity is absolutely out of the question!
I found myself getting discouraged a few days in to this, because of not being able to "function" and "accomplish" what I felt "needed" to get done.
Does God's Word still apply?
Am I still "okay" because of Christ, even when I'm stuck in bed for more hours than I am used to? Can it be possible for life to go on when I can't even get through each day of school?
I have found that the answer is YES. It is all still okay, even though life as I knew it, once again, has ground to a hault. The reason lies partly in this second verse of John chapter 15. "Every branch that beareth fruit he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit." I don't need to know the reasons, and I don't need to see the outcome in this. God is working in me, and He has good reasons for bringing me down this path of sickness. It has been 9 days and the vertigo has not lifted. I may be sick for 4 weeks (or more!) But that is okay. He knows. He is "pruning" me.
Verse 8 is all the more exciting, in light of all of this: "Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples."
Though I am weak and sick, I would rather "abide in Him" (v. 4) than be any other place.
Use me, Lord, as you wish, and be glorified! "Prune" away. Thank you for Your care and love.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
"I will Sing Unto the Lord" (Psalm 13:6)
I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me. (Psalm 13:6)
This verse first became important to me when I memorized it as a teenager. These words meant a lot. God was good to me, and I would praise Him!
Since that time, a lot has happened. I finished high school. I married. I became a mother. We had a "happy, Christian home" for some years, but then my husband turned from the Lord. He became an atheist. Years have passed that way, and now I find myself facing divorce.
What a messy life this has turned out to be.
I would never have "chosen" to be in this situation now. It is very painful, and there are a lot of difficult details.
I was reviewing some verses tonight, and I came to Psalm 13:6. I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.
This verse has remained one of my favorites, even more so as I have come to these difficult years.
What, about this life, has lasting importance? It is God.
Nothing I can face in this life can touch that.
Paul says, "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18)
I was reflecting on this tonight. I have "lost" much of what I thought was "good". Life has become hard, and one would naturally think there would be less reason to "praise" with such blessings removed. But, I think, as the years have gone on, and many of the hopes I had in this life have been dashed away, God's promises have seem brighter to me. The things that I had hoped in are gone. What is left is Him.
The trials have effectively removed my looking toward "other" things as my "hope" in life in many places, and I can see Him better.
Of course, He is always there, through both "good" and "difficult" times. But when we are forced to look to Him for our hope and joy and strength, we remember what we have believed, that this life and all that is in it is "nothing" compared to the riches we have in Him. He has bought us with the blood of his Son, Jesus. He has purchased "peace with God" (Romans 5:1) and has made us His children. He tells us that this world is only temporary, but that we will live with Him, forever.
What glorious promises!
It is all true, if we are His children, regardless of if we "think" about it or not. But in these past few years, I have found that earthly blessings removed, I can see Him better. I can see that this earthly trial is but "nothing" compared to what he is doing in me, and I am glad.
I can say, today, with much greater meaning, "I will sing unto the Lord, because He hath dealt bountifully with me[!]"
This verse first became important to me when I memorized it as a teenager. These words meant a lot. God was good to me, and I would praise Him!
Since that time, a lot has happened. I finished high school. I married. I became a mother. We had a "happy, Christian home" for some years, but then my husband turned from the Lord. He became an atheist. Years have passed that way, and now I find myself facing divorce.
What a messy life this has turned out to be.
I would never have "chosen" to be in this situation now. It is very painful, and there are a lot of difficult details.
I was reviewing some verses tonight, and I came to Psalm 13:6. I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.
This verse has remained one of my favorites, even more so as I have come to these difficult years.
What, about this life, has lasting importance? It is God.
Nothing I can face in this life can touch that.
Paul says, "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18)
I was reflecting on this tonight. I have "lost" much of what I thought was "good". Life has become hard, and one would naturally think there would be less reason to "praise" with such blessings removed. But, I think, as the years have gone on, and many of the hopes I had in this life have been dashed away, God's promises have seem brighter to me. The things that I had hoped in are gone. What is left is Him.
The trials have effectively removed my looking toward "other" things as my "hope" in life in many places, and I can see Him better.
Of course, He is always there, through both "good" and "difficult" times. But when we are forced to look to Him for our hope and joy and strength, we remember what we have believed, that this life and all that is in it is "nothing" compared to the riches we have in Him. He has bought us with the blood of his Son, Jesus. He has purchased "peace with God" (Romans 5:1) and has made us His children. He tells us that this world is only temporary, but that we will live with Him, forever.
What glorious promises!
It is all true, if we are His children, regardless of if we "think" about it or not. But in these past few years, I have found that earthly blessings removed, I can see Him better. I can see that this earthly trial is but "nothing" compared to what he is doing in me, and I am glad.
I can say, today, with much greater meaning, "I will sing unto the Lord, because He hath dealt bountifully with me[!]"
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Loving God and Hating My Life (in this World)
John 12:25
"He that loveth his life shall loose it;
and he that hateth his life in this world
shall keep it unto life eternal."
Lord,
This is me, right now. It is not enough to resign myself to "live" what You lay out for me in this life... with a heart that hates it! This is what I am tempted to. I am saying, "Thy will be done" in word only... as I hate where my life is going.
But You say, "He that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal."
I understand, Lord.
This is an "awful" bunch of circumstances, but it is just "life in this world," which I am freed to "hate" as I look to You and the glorious new life you have given to me!
What comfort there is in Your word. I hurt, tremendously, as I feel the pain of rejection... as the husband I still love turns from me for the hope of someone better. It is but "life in this world"; for all the pain I feel, it is but nothing compared to You.
Dear Father, let me "look to You" and "live" though my world falls down around me! You have promised that I will not be moved. (Psalm 121:3, Psalm 61:2, 6) This is true, as my world falls apart. It is but "life in this world" and as I look to You and what You have freely given, it (this world) is "hated" in comparison.
The question that hounds me, coming back again and again like a plague is, "How can I live this life?" There is so much pain and sadness. But when I look to You, it vanishes.
I can not "love" and cling to what I have hoped for in this life. (husband, a happy home) That is what "loving my life in this world" looks like! Oh, help me to let it go to You, "hating" my life in this world and clinging to You instead. Show me how; help me to do this. I am unable of myself.
Work by Your power in this weak, earthen vessel to Your glory. (II Corinthians 4:7)
Thank You for Your love. I love You "better" than all of this. You have been with me all of this way; be with me still as I move forward through such earthly pain. Be all my hope and strength!
Amen.
"He that loveth his life shall loose it;
and he that hateth his life in this world
shall keep it unto life eternal."
Lord,
This is me, right now. It is not enough to resign myself to "live" what You lay out for me in this life... with a heart that hates it! This is what I am tempted to. I am saying, "Thy will be done" in word only... as I hate where my life is going.
But You say, "He that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal."
I understand, Lord.
This is an "awful" bunch of circumstances, but it is just "life in this world," which I am freed to "hate" as I look to You and the glorious new life you have given to me!
What comfort there is in Your word. I hurt, tremendously, as I feel the pain of rejection... as the husband I still love turns from me for the hope of someone better. It is but "life in this world"; for all the pain I feel, it is but nothing compared to You.
Dear Father, let me "look to You" and "live" though my world falls down around me! You have promised that I will not be moved. (Psalm 121:3, Psalm 61:2, 6) This is true, as my world falls apart. It is but "life in this world" and as I look to You and what You have freely given, it (this world) is "hated" in comparison.
The question that hounds me, coming back again and again like a plague is, "How can I live this life?" There is so much pain and sadness. But when I look to You, it vanishes.
I can not "love" and cling to what I have hoped for in this life. (husband, a happy home) That is what "loving my life in this world" looks like! Oh, help me to let it go to You, "hating" my life in this world and clinging to You instead. Show me how; help me to do this. I am unable of myself.
Work by Your power in this weak, earthen vessel to Your glory. (II Corinthians 4:7)
Thank You for Your love. I love You "better" than all of this. You have been with me all of this way; be with me still as I move forward through such earthly pain. Be all my hope and strength!
Amen.
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