Nothing to Give...

Not what my hands have done can save my guilty soul;
Not what my toiling flesh has borne can make my spirit whole.
Not what I feel or do can give me peace with God;
Not all my prayers and sighs and tears can bear my awful load.

Thy work alone, O Christ, can ease this weight of sin;
Thy blood alone, O Lamb of God, can giveme peace withint.
Thy love to me, O God, not mine, O Lord, to thee,
Can rid me of this dark unrest, and set my spirit free.

Thy grace alone, O God, to me can pardon speak;
Thy power alone, O Son of God; can give me peace within.
No other work, save thine, no other blood will do;
No Strength, save that which is divine, can bear me safely through.

I bless the Christ of God; I rest on love divine;
And with unfalt'ring lip and heart, I call this Savior mine.
His cross dispels each doubt; I bury in his tomb
each thought of unbelief and fear, each ling-ring shade of gloom.

I praise the God of grace; I trust his truth and might;
He calls me his, I call him mine, my God, my joy, my light.
'Tis he who saveth me, and freely pardon gives;
I love because he loveth me, I live because he lives.

Today I am still sick. I learned nothing about what might be wrong with me to be causing an incapacitating dizziness at my long-awaited doctor's appointment this past week. We have passed the four month mark, and I know less about what is actually happening than I thought I did before my appointment!

Since I didn't get a diagnosis from the doctor, who I thought would know what was wrong, and it doesn't seem to be getting better on its own I am not entirely sure I will ever get better.

I have been struggling, on and off, since the appointment on Wednesday. I keep having to go back to the Lord, and keep my focus on Him and what He says is true.

Today, as seems to be usual during a time of trial, there is a new angle to my struggle.

I am feeling "well" when I sit. As soon as I stand up I feel dizzy, and it gets worse and worse as I continue to stand. Because of this, I cannot "do" anything. Because I feel "well" when sitting, I keep WANTING to "do something"!

I was a very busy mother with LOTS of stuff to do all of the time when this started. I suddenly went from busy, accomplishing a lot every day, to being stuck sitting (or laying, if it is a "bad" day) on the couch!

On days like today, when I feel "well" when sitting, it drives me crazy not to be able to get up to "do" and "accomplish". And now that I am not even sure we are on track of ANYTHING, with no idea of when (if!) I will get better this is a real struggle.

I feel like a useless person to just sit around, not doing anything. Everything I try to do, except what keeps my head very still, sets the dizziness off! Even ideas I have had to "work" sitting down has not been something I could spend much time doing, because most of them require moving my head left and right. I am stuck looking (straight) at the computer or reading. Instead of being able to "do" and help other people, people have to help ME, just to get the basics done! It is crazy!

But why does this bother me?

With startling clarity, I realized today, in the middle of this struggle, that I "feel" better if I can work hard, having a feeling value, as if I could help pay God back for all of the good things He has done for me.

Whoa.


This is part of my struggle. It is certainly not all, but it was part of it that was here today.

This is a terrible way to think. What do I think "I" have to give back to God? Certainly He asks for EVERYTHING (Luke 14:33), but my flesh feels so much more comfortable having something to offer Him! Right now He has me in a place where there is NOTHING. I can do nothing... people actually have to take care of ME!

But having "nothing" is not such a bad thing. Consider the words of the song. I think that today, God wanted me to see that I can depend wholly on Him. It is "okay" that I can't "do" anything for Him. Nothing I "do", in response to the great things He has done for me, "earn" me anything anyway. He asks for everything; I have little to work with today to "give back" to Him, but that is okay. He doesn't ask for what I can't give, and what He has done is enough.

I knew it in my head, but to see it worked out in my life is valuable. I am to love the One who has given me so much, giving my "all" to Him-- but none of that "pays Him back", nor am I "earning" anything in my own strength. It is simply because I love Him, and TODAY I can "give Him" just as much (in His eyes) in giving my all as I could any other day, because that is all He asks of us.

Praise His Name!

"Crucified with Christ..."

In my Bible memory review today, I came to Galatians 2:20:

"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me."

It was like this verse HIT me... hard!

I was laying in bed, sick... when I tried to get up for the day I ended up back in bed, not well enough to continue getting ready! This, of course, is after a 16-week illness, the last 5 days being more difficult than most.

And there it was, right in front of me. I am crucified with Christ. It doesn't matter that I am so sick that I can't get out of bed. Christ lives in me! My life, which seems to consist of one giant illness right now, is the Lord's! He has given me new life. And this life that I now live, though I find myself in undesirable circumstances, is His. I am to, simply, live what I have by faith in the Son of God. It doesn't matter that I don't have "what I want". I have what He has given me... Look at exactly what He has given: HIMSELF! He loved me, and gave Himself for me.

Wow. Did I mention it was like this verse HIT me?

What am I tempted to complain about? The Son of God loves me, and gave Himself for me.

Thoughts of what was "bad" 10 minutes ago fled away, as I realized this was my verse today. The Lord had given it to me as His truth to my heart, on this difficult day. And I found, again, that the "difficulty" just doesn't compare to Him!

Lord, teach me these truths, over and over again! Thank you for opportunity to learn (and feel) what it is like to understand this today, in this circumstance. Teach me the same for tomorrow! Thank You for loving me, and giving Yourself for me. There are no words. You have been good to me. Teach me, truly, that I am crucified with Christ, and this life is no longer mine, but Yours. Amen.