"Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:19)
I have recently been having a very difficult time. I have lost primary custody of three of my children. The story is long, and beyond the scope of this short blog, but I can tell you that the pain is very deep. These three children wanted to live with their dad. They did not want to live with me. After a certain age, the county my custody suit was in seems to basically take what the child wants and give it to them.
It was difficult enough to live several months during the court process knowing, "My kids don't want to live with me," but for it to actually happen, and for them to actually leave has been crushing.
I have been trying to survive... to get through one day after another. My heart is broken.
I have felt in myself some bitterness growing. I have not liked that, but I have not known what to do with it. I asked my mom to pray for me, and I was trying to stay the same "person" inside, despite such tragic, life-altering circumstances. (I will never get these parenting years back! Not only do they change my life for good, but, more heartbreaking, they change my children's lives for good too! Now I will not be able to show them Jesus day in and day out... The "every other weekend" I am left with is hardly any time to do the work of parenting!)
Real life gets pretty messy. I'd rather not be in this situation, and I'd really rather not write about it.
I have been in so much pain these past several weeks that I have not known what to do. One little thing I have been trying, is to review past memory verses more often. This has been something God has used over and over again in my life to help when things are difficult, so it is a thing I know to go to when I'm struggling.
Today I wasn't feeling well, so I was taking some extra time looking at my verses. When I came to Romans 12:21, God pretty much hit me over the head with it. This is EXACTLY what I have been needing to remember! (Well, not the only thing! But it is the EXACT answer to the bitterness problem I've been feeling!)
"Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good."
The verses before say:
"Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head."
What would it look like, in my life, today, to not be "overcome with evil" but to "overcome evil with good"?
I would need to lay aside all of the hurt I've been feeling and simply "be okay" with the fact that such a terrible thing has happened in my life, and to my beautiful children. I need to accept that God, in His infinite wisdom and knowledge, has allowed it to happen. I need to accept the fact that He is writing His Own story - I do not get to write "mine". I need to be willing to move forward, thankful for all of the other blessings He has poured out on me... even though there are three more things I want!! (Oh how hard that one is!)
Lord, I do not know how to do this, but I know I must. I need You living in me, showing me how to continue mothering the last two for You, regardless of where that might lead in the future. I need the courage to not fear what man can do to me, since I know You are in control. I need the help to believe you are here with us in all of this pain that we can't even begin to sort through.
Please work in our lives. And please, let me see things as you see them - more of You, and less of me.
