Twenty-five years ago today I married the man I had decided to spend the rest of my life with on this earth. I can hardly believe a quarter of a century has passed since that day!
I see the joy in others' 25-year anniversary posts, and I am glad. I celebrate with them.
But there is no joy in this date for me, for mine was a ruined marriage.
In the Christian circles I am in, divorce is uncommon. It feels like something to be ashamed of, and that we certainly should not talk about.
I do not believe divorce is an potion in any marriage, except in two circumstances given in scripture:
1. Abandonment
2. Sexual sin
(Notice I said allowances, NOT commands!)
I feel compelled to write about this subject, on this day, because I have known the ostracization divorced Christians will face from the Church they belong to.
Now, I am not writing this to any specific people in my life, so if you know me, please don't think I'm talking about you! (On the same note: If you're feeling God convict you of anything, please DO listen to His Voice!) I have just seen so much pain, in so many people's lives. I have seen hurting people come, and leave the Church. I've watched them struggle. And since I've felt the struggle myself, on this day, I feel compelled to write.
The reason that I "know" this ostracization, or this type of judgement, is because I was the one feeling judgement toward others in this very position I, myself, am now in. I hate divorce. (I hate it even more now that I am divorced!) I have always hated divorce. And, at one point in my life, I knew I would NEVER be divorced.
When my first husband turned from the Lord, I asked God if I could be the one to lead him back. (I Corinthians 7:16) I determined to do all in my power, before God, to be the wife that won him "without a word" living in quiet obedience, with conduct that showed him Jesus at every turn. (I Peter 3:1-6) I wish I had a picture of the stack of books I read, and incorporated into my life in these efforts! (But they are now packed up in boxes.)
I believed that MOST of the time, one spouse could "save" the marriage. (This ended up being a spiritual pitfall to me, but that is a story for another day!)
The thing that I learned, is that sometimes they leave anyway. (After all, we do live in a sinful world!)
I'm writing this today to bring light to an area we tend to avoid talking about. I want to bring light to it, because there are hurting men and women who need the love of the Church, and they, too, are feeling like a dark blot in their church. And I want both them, and us, to know that they still have a place in the Church. If they are trusting Jesus, they still have a place in God's Family!
One quick note, before I dive in: Sometimes the feeling of not belonging, or or being avoided is not an issue of judgement, but rather it can just bee an uncomfortable subject, sort of like death is hard to talk about, so in those cases it's a matter of avoidance, not judgement. Other times, when it "feels" like judgement, it may actually be a feeling inside of the person hurting, a whisper from the enemy that they are not enough anymore. Sometimes the feelings of no longer belonging are just imagined. We're going to be dealing primarily with actual judgement here, because to deal with all of these things would take a whole book, and I don't have time for that right now!
So, as my story goes, after 14, nearly 15 years of marriage, I was divorced. And I was forced to face my attitude of judgement toward those who were divorced.
As I picked up the pieces of my life, I had to figure out how to move forward, still a Christian, still loving God, and still needing to follow and obey Him! Even though now I was the Christian I had judged so harshly!
I believe, at the time, I was the first "divorced Christian" I knew, or at least that I knew well. It just didn't happen in my circles. I lived all of those years of fighting divorce (falsely) believing that to be divorced meant that the person had done something wrong, or had failed in some way.
I had to learn the hard way that sometimes a spouse leaves anyway.
My heart, here, on this day, this quarter-century mark, is not to defend myself from judgement I have felt (either real or imagined). Rather, my heart is for hurting people, who have faced this monster named Divorce, and can't find a "place" in the church after, and so turn to find their answers elsewhere. This should not be happening. We should be welcoming them, loving them, helping them, and showing them Jesus. (Remember Jesus speaking to the Samaritan woman at the well who had had 5 husbands, and was now living with a man she was not married to, in John 4? This should also be us!)
Yes, we are to call sin what it is: Sin. It is wrong. And we are never to condone sin. But we do need to be careful, also not do the reverse and call what is not sin, sin.
Jesus said, "Because of the hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives" At one of my deepest points of struggle, just prior to the actual divorce, a Christian friend checked in with me, and talked to me about this verse. He said, yes, it is because of the hardness of "our" hearts, a collective "our". Humanity is sinful. And it is not always, individually, "our" fault, OUR hardness, our sin. Sometimes divorce comes from the sin of the other party involved. (Remember, we're talking about the Pharisees' question here, and the Pharisees were the ones saying, in that day, that a husband could divorce a wife for little things like burning the eggs!)
So, divorce is not always because of sin in the Christian's own life. But, I need to say one more thing about it. (And, yes, I think I may be stepping on a lot of toes. Just know, that is not my goal. My goal is to save, perhaps, one hurting divorcee for fleeing from judgmental Christians back into the world.)
Christian, if you are reading this today, and are thinking, proudly, "Well, it DIDN'T happen to me. I am NOT divorced!" Please, just for a moment, imagine that you were. We can't control another human being. Imagine that your spouse rejected God, left you, and you DID become that divorced person. It COULD happen to you, because you cannot keep your spouse from doing that, if they are determined to do that.
Now, if you have been able to follow me through this, please remember, when you find those condescending thoughts in your mind or heart, instead, remember you do not know the details. Just love them, like we are commanded, and be compassionate for the trial they have faced. If you are aware of unconfessed sin, and you know God is leading you to confront that, yes, speak. (with love) But don't automatically assume the worst!
This brings me to my next point. Remember the two "Biblical reasons for divorce" I gave above? The first is abandonment. "If the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved." (I Corinthians 7:15)
The second is sexual sin. I am not comfortable defining for you the exact level of sexual sin that justifies a divorce, but it is clear adultery qualifies. In the same passage we were talking about above, Jesus says "And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery." (Matthew 19:9) Notice the "except"? It is NOT adultery, and NOT sin for the man divorcing his wife because of sexual sin. (Jesus also mentions this in the sermon on the mount.)
Because of these verses, I believe it is very clearly not sin on the part of the believer if they are divorced because of abandonment, or because of sexual sin. (Namely, adultery)
Abandonment is, by its nature, an open sin. The spouse doing the abandoning is sinning against their spouse, and it is usually open, and obvious for people observing that someone has left.
Now, adultery, on the other hand is usually done in secret, and is not openly known. Sometimes it is only known by the spouse sinned against. And, in the case of a Christian, they will often feel, as Joseph did, that they don't want to publicly humiliate their spouse.
Being divorced, I have now ended up hearing a lot of stories of others who are also divorced. Without having to comment on anything or anyone specifically, I can make the very general statement, that it is not uncommon, for a Christian to be sinned against in this way (adultery) repeatedly, and to forgive, multiple times before finally making the decision that they are no longer comfortable living with other people being welcomed into their marriage bed. Sometimes it is because of the betrayal, sometimes it is because of the lost trust, and sometimes it is just the practical desire to not want to find themselves with a sexually transmitted disease because of the actions of another.
Sometimes the sinned-against spouse chooses to forgive every time they are sinned against, and the spouse who is committing adultery grows tired of them and leaves anyway. Then, even though the spouse being sinned against did not choose to pursue divorce, they end up divorced because of the path of sexual sin their spouse chose.
Christians who are following the Lord, and have quietly suffered through this type of trial usually do feel constrained by the love of Christ to not broadcast it to the world. Once the divorce happens, they go about their lives, determining NOT to badmouth their ex-spouse.
The sinned-against, now divorced spouse must face their church. The divorce is obvious, and the judgement is, sadly, often automatic, despite the circumstances of the divorce.
Generally, the Christian who is MOST COMMITTED to God, can say the least, because the Spirit constrains them to "love". And they are judged, beacuse the only obvious thing is the divorce. (Again, it's a little easier with abandonment, because that tends to be publicly known.)
My point is that we judge without knowing the details. We CAN'T KNOW the details, because the committed Christian CAN'T TELL US the details, and still show that Christian love to their ex-spouse! So we end up judging those who are divorced biblically, and sometimes, we drive them away from the church, when they are the ones needing love the MOST.
Are those hurting people still responsible for turning from God? Yes! They will answer to God for their actions. But let us not be a part of driving them from the church!
My friends, I feel like Paul here, when he called himself CHIEF of sinners.
I judged divorced Christians SO HARD. I did it quietly, to myself, while I was fighting for my marriage for all that I was worth. It was part of my motivation to succeed and NOT become divorced. And I am sure those I came into contact with felt it, instead of feeling God's love from me.
Friends, let us be like Jesus, and point this hurting segment of the church back to God. Whether the divorce was any part their own fault or not, they still need their Savoir. And He still loves them. And we all sin, so EVEN IF they were part of the sin in their divorce, we are no better than they, because we sin too. The good news is, we all have an Advocate with the Father: Jesus! (I John 2:1) And if they are here, in church, they are probably seeking God now, and that is a good thing.
Internally, I have faced extreme pain and disappointment in myself, because of the divorce. I have felt like it has placed me in the class of "second-rate Christians". Most of this struggle, I have learned, is just me listening to the lies of the enemy. Because, guess what? Life, today, is the same as life, any other day. "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20)
Go out and encourage your hurting, struggling, divorced brothers and sisters to just keep living for God. Nothing has changed in His love toward them, or in their responsibility to Him.
"If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory." (Colossians 3)
This is GREAT NEWS! Let us be encouraged with it.
As I look back on the last 25 years of my life – which is most of my remembered years, when I am looking at it rightly, I see, not a life of brokenness, but a life of redemption. Yes, some very broken things have happened, but it is okay, because He is with me.
If I could ask one thing, my friends, it is that you walk with your brothers and sisters in the Lord, loving as Christ loved. We were all just sinners, in need of our Savior. Let us love like that.
By the time my divorce happened, I was a mature Christian, with a strong faith, and it shook me to the core. I tremble to think what a young, weak, or immature Christian does when faced with the same. They NEED the Church, desperately. (I need the Church!)
"By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." (John 13:24)
