I have been going through some difficult times.
I clearly remember, when my marriage (which I held very dear) was struggling, saying the words, "I have much to thank God for. I have my health, and I have my children." Even if I lost my marriage, I was trying to keep my heart where God instructs it to be, thankful of His blessings.
Within three months of my husband leaving, I became extremely sick. I have not gotten better. I have had to learn to live in a new way, without moving my head and by escaping noise, because noise and movement make me dizzy. The precious "nose" of my 6 children, now makes me sick! Now that I am alone, without a husband, and need fellowship with other believers more than ever, to be in a public place, or a room with multiple voices, makes me so sick that I can not function well enough to even get out of there if I am not careful to leave when it starts to make it worse.
This post, however, is not about the illness. My health was one thing that I counted as a major blessing from God, and it has been taken. But the other thing I clearly remember giving thanks for were my 6 children.
Through the years, I have prayed for them, and asked for God's protection. I have asked for them to be able to stay with me, and I have asked to be able to continue homeschooling them.
32 months after my husband left, my oldest son also gave up his faith and went to live with his dad. He no longer wanted to put himself in a place where he was under the Bible in any way, so he left our home.
What agony of heart for a parent who loves her child! What agony of heart for the entire family, who misses the one who is now gone! What an extreme adjustment this circumstance is. What continual pain it has brought.
Next, I received a notification that my ex-husband had filed for primary custody of not one, but two of the children, and joint physical custody of the rest.
This is where I want to stop the story and talk about the subject of this entire blog: God's sufficient grace. I do not want to talk about the circumstances, but the heart behind them. I want to share with you some of the things that the Lord has been teaching me through these extremely painful days, especially that, no matter what, He is enough.
Here was all I hold dear, my family, my children, given over to our legal system to decide what is best for them. Here is a man fighting for them, on the other side from me. Here was a battle, and I did not know how it would turn out.
It was time to exercise faith, to trust in my God. "But I trusted in thee, O Lord: I said, Thou art my God." "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 31:14 and 47:11)
But here is what happened in my heart: I thought, "I have already lost my oldest son. The incomprehensible has already happened there, and I do not know what the Lord will do here." And then, for a fleeting moment, I though, "How can I stand it?"
The Lord has been so good to me throughout this whole trial. When I thought, "How can I stand it?" He immediately showed me that that thought is not faith. He showed me that I needed to understand that He was good whatever had already happened, and whatever might happen as a result of this custody suit. He showed me that I needed to trust Him, whether I lost my children or not.
What a hard lesson this has been (and continues to be) for me! It is one of those things where I feel like I do understand, and I am okay, and the next thing I know I am all in a tizzy again about one thing or another in relation to the whole issue.
And He reminds me again. And His reminders are good, and precious.
The thing that I keep doing in all of this, is saying to myself, "My children MUST stay with me."
And the Lord says that this is wrong.
This is a difficult point to understand or explain, but the Lord has been helping me with it. I have been in so much sin, saying, demanding of my Savior, that my children MUST stay with me. I cannot demand them. I can not argue with Almighty God! I can not say, "Give them to me!" My heart keeps crying it (a mother's heart probably always will!), but I have to be very, very careful that in crying out to the Lord, I ask it, plead it, but never demand it.
Note: There is no basis of demand here! The Lord, my Redeemer, has given me EVERYTHING. I have nothing to say, nothing to bargain with anyway, because it is all His. And I certainly can not say, "I must have this or I am done with You, Lord." (These are painful words to even type! That temptation is there; I feel it, but, oh, I love this One who has "redeemed my life from destruction" and I'd rather have Him than all the world.)
I have no demand. I have no right to demand... anything.
I can plead it, and continue to plead it, as the widow in Jesus' parable in Luke 18, but I MUST be willing to say, as Jesus said in the garden, "Nevertheless, not my will, but thine be done." I can ask on the basis of HIS goodness, His mercy, His love. But I must ask in faith, believing that His answer will be good and right.
Part of my particular struggle here is that my oldest son is already gone. That has already happened. My experience has already been deep pain... I have already long felt such pain in the past many years of my life, and I know that I can not say what the Lord will do or how He will answer.
I have to ask, believing, that He is good, and that His answers will be good, that they will be to His glory, and that this is a beautiful thing.
So, my struggle has not been one of worry, or bitterness, or hatred... my struggle these past couple of months has been a struggle with myself. The fact remains that God has loved me, He has saved me, and he works all things together for his good, for his glory. I need to believe Him, to trust Him, to rest in Him. You can pray for me, because these circumstances are ongoing, and my heart is very wicked.
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'" (Psalm 91)
There is so much more I could say, especially about how beautiful the Lord has seemed to me, but I don't have the words or space to go into that right now. But I know, as much as I have ever known, that the Lord IS enough, this life is fleeting, and we have an eternal glory waiting for us! "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18) "Your life is hid with Christ in God." (Colossians 3:3) "Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory: Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls." (I Peter 1:8-9)
"I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me." (Psalm 13:6)
