I have been wanting to write a post like this for a while. Here is a good opportunity.
I have been so sick with this dizziness and related problems this week that I have not been able to keep up with what needed to be done. It has been a really hard week.
The bills have been waiting to be paid since Monday. On Saturday night, I was finally able to sit down and start working on the first one.
Guess what happened?
My son spilled a 2 liter bottle of soda all over where the bills, important papers, checks to us, my kindle, my phone, were... covering the table, and spilling off onto the dining room floor!
As everything important from the last 2 1/2 weeks was swimming in a sticky mess of soda and what was going on was registering in my brain as I started in horror, I plucked out my phone and kindle. My mom snatched up half of the pile of bills. Then we both came back for more.
This is the type of mess that takes 2 or 3 hours to clean up properly, what with laying out each paper, mopping up the stickiness, and everything else!
And after trying all week to get to the bills... finally working on the FIRST ONE only to be set back like that... well, I knew I was probably not going to be up to accomplishing anything now.
Here is the part that I hate. I got angry. My son (he can rest in anonymity, since I have so many of them) said, "It exploded!" No, actually, he knocked the bottle over, straight onto my piles of bills and important papers. And when he said that, I thought he was being defensive. Afterwards, I wonder if he was just as shocked as the rest of us were.
I want people to realize I am a real person with the same struggles as everyone else. I write about how God is working and teaching me, and He uses times like this, where I fail miserably, to teach me too.
I didn't actually "yell", but I spoke very firmly, in anger, and more than once. I did it all over again a few minutes later out in the kitchen, thinking, "If I would just STOP I could straighten this out in my heart and walk honorably before the Lord," WHILE I CONTINUED TO DO IT!
That is the part I hate. I hate it because it hurt my son, and it hurt my Lord. It was a sin against both.
Then I had to start sorting the whole thing out. It was so wrapped up, for me, in the fact that I can't accomplish what I need to right now, that I think I'm still sorting it out. But I was wrong to get angry. It was an accident, and, actually, my children need my help to learn how to process their own dismay at situations like that. And I was not helping him.
I had tough work in apologizing to him, because he was convinced, at the point I started apologizing, that it was all his fault, and I SHOULD be that upset. I had to explain, then explain again with scripture, why it was wrong for me to be angry before he could understand.
"Let not the sun go down upon your wrath."
"If any man hate his brother without a cause, he shall be in danger of the council. If any man say to his brother 'Raca' (I suppose that was a bad name of some sort?) he shall be in danger of the council. But if any man say 'Thou fool' he shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if thou bringest thy gift to the alter, and there rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee, leave there thy gift before the alter, and go thy way. First go, and be reconciled to thy brother, then come and offer thy gift."
There were more, but I can't remember them now. Maybe if I remember them later I will come back and add him.
I had to share with my son what God was convicting my heart with. What a humbling thing!
That is pretty much the whole story. My mom and I talked about it on and off for quite a while, because it was a crazy thing. (And of course every bill from the last 2 1/2 weeks was stretched out all over the living room floor to remind us!) I have to live with the fact that I failed, before so many people...
But that does not bother me. The fact is, I am a person who fails, but I have a Savior who has paid for my sin, and that is where my hope lies. What a blessed thought! It is also what drives out every thought of covering my sin, or justifying myself to my family, as I could have done. We are living before our Savior, who loves us. Let us live in love to Him, even when we have failed.
The best thing is to go right back to Him after such failures. It is about HIM and HIS WORK, not "us" and our "failings". Praise His Name!!!
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Sick, and it's Beyond my Control - A Right Response
It has been a rough road for me for the past several years, but "health" was never one of my troubles.
13 weeks ago I suddenly lost my "good health". Dizziness settled in which never lifted.
Now, I have felt dizzy before, but never like this. This is a thing that has left me incapacitated. I can no longer function in any normal way. I have had to clear my schedule of all but Dr's appointments, and I am usually not able to leave the house. On "good" days I can stand for 5-15 minutes before the dizziness starts to spiral out of control.. On "bad" days I did not feel up to even sitting. (And of course laying is also uncomfortable, but there's no better choice!) Noise, especially my own voice, makes it get worse.
It's a crazy thing, and very debilitating.
My big goal is to make it downstairs to the couch, so I can sit there to watch the kids and teach school.
There have been "ups" and "downs" this whole time. Last week I started feeling better. Though the dizziness was still there, I could stand for more like an HOUR before having to "recover". I could tolerate noises better. Even little noises make me dizzy, so this was a HUGE relief. I did not have to constantly ask the kids to be quieter.
I kept waiting, day by day, for it to get "bad" again, but after a whole week I started to think that maybe my brain had learned to "compensate". That is something that can happen when the inner ear is injured, so it seemed like a very happy (VERY HAPPY) possibility! If that was the case, it would explain why I was suddenly "almost functional". And the best part was, if my brain had "compensated", it seemed there was little chance it would get "bad" again.
But something terrible has happened. I suddenly got very sick with this again, nearly as sick as I've ever been. I'm back in bed, unable to sit, since yesterday afternoon. (17 hours and counting.) This is the hard part about being so sick. When hope is there that the worst of it is over, and then – WHAM – it is nearly as bad as it has ever been.
This is what I want to talk about today.
God does not see things the way our natural hearts are inclined to look at them. Who has the right perspective?
Obviously, I am very sad to find myself confined to bed again. But I dare not even let my mind wander into the line of thoughts where it would "like" to indulge itself. I know, without doubt, that my Heavenly Father has, even this, in His very capable hands! He LOVES me so much that He gave his Son to die for me... what do I have to say to that? Does momentary physical discomfort compare to what He has already done for me? (no)
Because He loves me so much, I want to think and act in ways that are right before Him. I can not fall into the trap of thinking this is unfair, or that God could have done differently, because that is not what He has done.
Now, on to a right response. As I just mentioned, the right response is born of a knowledge of what God has done for me with the desire to "love Him" as He has loved me. It's that simple. All of my questioning and doubting His plan would NOT be love... and I do not want to act or think that way toward the One who has loved me so much.
So, how do I respond, as I lay here, not only unable to go downstairs, but having to be careful of how much I move my head? (After the hopes of a week of feeling almost normal have been dashed to pieces...)
Well, I can see only one way to respond, and I hope that this is from God's Spirit living in me, not of any thoughts of "self" or of trying to manipulate God to do my will... I hope sincerely that it is desire toward Him, and His work in me that lends these things to my thought as the only right responses for me today:
I can continue to THANK Him for what He has done.
I can ASK Him (without setting up the clause of an "only acceptable answer") to let me get back to the point where I was before this suddenly hit.
I can ask others to pray with me.
And through all of this I can trust Him, because He holds, even this, in His hands. There is NOTHING that escapes Him, and though my heart tends to point out instances like this that just "can't" be right, I know, without doubt, that EVEN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES, God holds in His hands. That is what I need to keep reminding myself.
That is what I am doing today. I have a lot of responsibilities that I can not meet, some of which are very important, but God knows that. I am sad to be separated from my family, but God knows that. I caught a glimpse of the beautiful world outside while I was doing better last week, and I so long to be "out there" seeing it still, but God knows of that too. I can trust Him with all of these things, and that place of trusting Him is the place I desire to be. (Because He loves me so well, I can say nothing else.)
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance, incorruptable and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation, ready to be revealed in the last day." (I Peter 1:3-5, punctuation mine because it would be hard to look up the verses to copy right now...)
Please do pray with me that I get better! This is a right response! But let"s trust Him in His answer.
Thank you.
13 weeks ago I suddenly lost my "good health". Dizziness settled in which never lifted.
Now, I have felt dizzy before, but never like this. This is a thing that has left me incapacitated. I can no longer function in any normal way. I have had to clear my schedule of all but Dr's appointments, and I am usually not able to leave the house. On "good" days I can stand for 5-15 minutes before the dizziness starts to spiral out of control.. On "bad" days I did not feel up to even sitting. (And of course laying is also uncomfortable, but there's no better choice!) Noise, especially my own voice, makes it get worse.
It's a crazy thing, and very debilitating.
My big goal is to make it downstairs to the couch, so I can sit there to watch the kids and teach school.
There have been "ups" and "downs" this whole time. Last week I started feeling better. Though the dizziness was still there, I could stand for more like an HOUR before having to "recover". I could tolerate noises better. Even little noises make me dizzy, so this was a HUGE relief. I did not have to constantly ask the kids to be quieter.
I kept waiting, day by day, for it to get "bad" again, but after a whole week I started to think that maybe my brain had learned to "compensate". That is something that can happen when the inner ear is injured, so it seemed like a very happy (VERY HAPPY) possibility! If that was the case, it would explain why I was suddenly "almost functional". And the best part was, if my brain had "compensated", it seemed there was little chance it would get "bad" again.
But something terrible has happened. I suddenly got very sick with this again, nearly as sick as I've ever been. I'm back in bed, unable to sit, since yesterday afternoon. (17 hours and counting.) This is the hard part about being so sick. When hope is there that the worst of it is over, and then – WHAM – it is nearly as bad as it has ever been.
This is what I want to talk about today.
God does not see things the way our natural hearts are inclined to look at them. Who has the right perspective?
Obviously, I am very sad to find myself confined to bed again. But I dare not even let my mind wander into the line of thoughts where it would "like" to indulge itself. I know, without doubt, that my Heavenly Father has, even this, in His very capable hands! He LOVES me so much that He gave his Son to die for me... what do I have to say to that? Does momentary physical discomfort compare to what He has already done for me? (no)
Because He loves me so much, I want to think and act in ways that are right before Him. I can not fall into the trap of thinking this is unfair, or that God could have done differently, because that is not what He has done.
Now, on to a right response. As I just mentioned, the right response is born of a knowledge of what God has done for me with the desire to "love Him" as He has loved me. It's that simple. All of my questioning and doubting His plan would NOT be love... and I do not want to act or think that way toward the One who has loved me so much.
So, how do I respond, as I lay here, not only unable to go downstairs, but having to be careful of how much I move my head? (After the hopes of a week of feeling almost normal have been dashed to pieces...)
Well, I can see only one way to respond, and I hope that this is from God's Spirit living in me, not of any thoughts of "self" or of trying to manipulate God to do my will... I hope sincerely that it is desire toward Him, and His work in me that lends these things to my thought as the only right responses for me today:
I can continue to THANK Him for what He has done.
I can ASK Him (without setting up the clause of an "only acceptable answer") to let me get back to the point where I was before this suddenly hit.
I can ask others to pray with me.
And through all of this I can trust Him, because He holds, even this, in His hands. There is NOTHING that escapes Him, and though my heart tends to point out instances like this that just "can't" be right, I know, without doubt, that EVEN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES, God holds in His hands. That is what I need to keep reminding myself.
That is what I am doing today. I have a lot of responsibilities that I can not meet, some of which are very important, but God knows that. I am sad to be separated from my family, but God knows that. I caught a glimpse of the beautiful world outside while I was doing better last week, and I so long to be "out there" seeing it still, but God knows of that too. I can trust Him with all of these things, and that place of trusting Him is the place I desire to be. (Because He loves me so well, I can say nothing else.)
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance, incorruptable and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation, ready to be revealed in the last day." (I Peter 1:3-5, punctuation mine because it would be hard to look up the verses to copy right now...)
Please do pray with me that I get better! This is a right response! But let"s trust Him in His answer.
Thank you.
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